move on...later

I don't think I have actually truly thought about my last cycle and all it brought. I was of course sad, frustrated, scared etc with everything that happened but I haven't truly mourned the loss of my baby or babies. I definately built up a wall so I wouldn't get attached. Im not sure if thats normal after having a miscarriage. Im scared to try again. The plan was to start a frozen embryo cycle in October. Somehow I managed to get Matt to agree to a Disney vacation. Since we are going in December we won't be doing a FET until January. Maybe this is my subconscious way of avoiding another disaster. The FET will absolutely be our last chance at TTC with IVF. This is the very first cycle I have had to say that. Insurance will cover one more but I know in my heart we need to just be done. I am glad I have finally come to that decision on my own and it wasn't dictated by insurance or Matt's insistence. Since this is our last cycle I think I am more nervous than ever to do it. If it doesn't work Im not sure how I will handle it. Although I am OK with no more IVF, I am not yet at peace with accepting I will not have any more kids. I just pray that I come to peace with that if thats how things pan out. My beta is at zero now so I guess I can say that the cycle is finally over. I go for labs tomorrow (OMG again?!) to test for clotting disorders and genetic stuff. I kinda hope they find a clotting disorder because then there is something we can do to fix the situation.

keep on truckin'

My last entry was a few weeks ago. Not much has happened since then. My beta on Wednesday September 1st was 3. The nurse wants me to come back in a week to have what should be my last beta level labs. I think thats sorta dumb, obviously its done ya know? But, whatever...I will do what I'm told despite common sense. I asked if it was now considered negative since its under 5, she told me it is only negative when it's under zero now. Great.
I had my phone consult with Dr. Zimon today. It was very brief. She has agreed, at my insistence, to do clotting disorder testing, and automimmune testing, and carryo type testing. Its all just blood work and probably won't tell us anything but I feel like I need to know before I suject my remaining embryos to my destructive self lol. I guess that means I should get back on my synthroid. I stopped taking everything when I took the Metho shot. I went through a "Fuck it why bother" period like I do after every failed cycle.
Quin has suddenly taken an interest in babies and pregancy. Im just waiting for the moment when he asks for a sibling. When I was his age I used to pray every night for a baby brother. My mom had a suprise pregnancy and gave me a sister...good enough!
We went up to New Hampshire to Santa's Village and Story Land (little kid amusement parks) and I was sad to watch all of the siblings riding the rides together. Im sad that Quin may never have that and thats not fair to him.
I am thinking about what my consolation prize will be. After my other failed cycles I tend to plan something big like a vacation or home addition. The plan was to do a cruise this winter if my 6th cycle was a bust. I didn't expect to have embryos left for a frozen transfer. So now I can't book anything, I have to wait and see if thats successful. Im actually thinking about not doing a family cruise and just doing a shorter trip with just DH and I. Since Quin was born we have only been away together for one night. I think it would be good for us. I love vacationing with Quin because its so fun to watch him experience new things but it would be nice to not have kid responsibility and get to do adult stuff (like dinner without nuggets). I am thinking about 4 days in Vegas in November. I might actually put off the FET until after the trip. I have to convince DH that its OK to spend money (that we don't have) on something this selfish and frivolous.

The end is near...in a good way

My last post was when my beta fell, but not enough. I refused the reccomended second metho shot. That was on a Friday. Monday's labs finally took a big dive so no second shot was needed afterall. I am so glad I listened to my intuition. I have had several labs done since then and the level is falling nicely. Tuesday it was 99, Friday before was 235. So I am hoping in is at 0 soon.
Someone asked why I haven't gone for a vaginal US. I had several in the beginning, at my insistence. With a beta so low you can't see anything. Once the beta is over 1000 you can see, but my number never got that high. I will never know if this truly was ectopic or not.

This has consumed my whole summer. We are planning an October transfer or our last 2frozen embryos. I still have to talk to the RE about what that process entails. I just hope its not a lot of monitoring ahead of time!

OMG this is never going to end!!

The whole reason we chose to do an IVF cycle in the summer was because we just can't miss work. We are both teachers so we don't have vacation days we can take whenever we want. We instead choose to tie up our summer with a cycle. I never would have guessed that the cycle we started in June would infact probably affect the following school year.
My beta today went down 10%. They need it to go down 15%. The nurse wanted me to come in to get a second methotrexate shot. I explained why I was hesitant: 1) It has come down so maybe it will continue to fall. 2)Chances are it didn't rupture when it was higher so it won't now.
The nurse explained how a rupture can be life threatening blah blah blah. yes, I am aware of that. I then informed her of how sick the shot made me and she said she has never heard of anyone having any side effects from the shot. I should have suggested she check out google! My experience was not that uncommon. she said if I didn't get the shot today or tomorrow then I would need to go to Waltham (because its a saturday) to get labs done tomorrow and the oncall RE would discuss the situation with me. Anyways, I said I would discuss it with my husband and call her back. We (I) decided I was willing to wait until Monday. I would gave it a few days to hopefully go down on its own. I really don't want to get another shot. That stuff is wretched. I am feeling confident that my number is heading in the right direction now. I have felt crampy all day. So now I just pray that I am right. If Monday's number is still high then I will have to give in and get it. That will mean a trip from Plymouth to Quincy (45 minutes each way) once for labs, and then again in the afternoon for the shot. Great. So glad I get to just enjoy my summer.

Hopefully an end is in sight

I was scheduled to get the shot Thursday. I had an appointment at 11am. The night before I was having a panic attack. I was going back and forth with the decision. So Thursday morning I called and canceled the appointment, and asked for a second opinion. I needed a referal to maternal fetal medicine. I spent the whole day trying to get in to see an OB, but no one would see me. The first appointment I could get with MFM was Monday at 2pm. I was scared to go the entire weekend given that my beta was still rising.
I ended up getting the methotrexate shot on Friday. I had gone that morning for a beta, then we spent the day down at the campground. Karen the nurse called me that afternoon and said my beta had increased from 310 on Monday to 584 Friday. So in 4 days it hadn't doubled. I was defeated. I was also scared shitless. I felt like a ticking time bomb. Every little pain or sensation made me wonde if I was about to rupture (if this was in fact ectopic). Karen again informed me that it was again medical advice if I still chose to not have the shot. I told her that no, I would wait till Monday when i got my second opinion. I hung up the phone and really thought. The number didn't double...so that was bad in terms of viability. But, it rose significantly which is bad in terms of ectopic. So bad all around. Matt and talked about it and I begged him to just tell me what to do. Of course he was just as lost as I was. I finally decided I needed to end this. I decided I would drive up to Quincy and get the shot. I felt at peace with the decision. I think I just needed to hear that the number did NOT double. It made the decision easier. I drove 45 minutes up to Quincy, dropped my draws and got 2 shots in my butt. Then I drove back to Plymouth. Done, no big deal.
That night matt left for work and the kids and I stayed at the camper. Around 9pm I got so sick. I felt like I had the flu. I couldn't top peeing, I ached, I was nautious, chills etc. It was pretty scary how sick I got. I was/am a bit pissed that the nurse/doctor didn't mention this as a side effect. Fortunately I had done enough of my own research to know this was normal. It was a rough night and I really wished Matt was there. The next day I felt shitty still, but not as bad.
I went for another beta Tuesday and that result was 700 and something. 760 maybe? I forget. Anyways it had risen but I was told that it is normal for a rise, but by this coming Frday they want a 15% decrease. Im praying it does that. I really don't want another shot. That stuff is no joke!!

The shot is scheduled

I had an appointment yesterday with Dr. Z. We discussed my options...which was basically when to get the shot. At that point we didn't have my beta back yet. We only had Thursdays and Fridays which were 166 and 174. I was praying that my number would come down and no shot was needed. I explained that I was struggling ethically about this and she respected that. We agreed we would wait and see what Mondays labs showed. If they were down no shot, if they stayed the same I would repeat labs on Thursday. Well, I got the call that they are now 310. The worst news possible IMO. Now I am back to wondering if there is some miracle that its just a slow to start embryo. My RE says there is 0% chance this is a viable pregnancy. My OB's nurse says the same thing. Do I trust the professionals?
The plan right now is for me to come in Thursday morning for the shot. The nurse already ordered it for me. I have an appointment scheduled.

I heard this song on the radio tonight and thought maybe it had some meaning

Upside Down by Jack Johnson

Who's to say
What's impossible
Well they forgot
This world keeps spinning
And with each new day
I can feel a change in everything
And as the surface breaks reflections fade
But in some ways they remain the same
And as my mind begins to spread its wings
There's no stopping curiosity

I want to turn the whole thing upside down
I'll find the things they say just can't be found
I'll share this love I find with everyone
We'll sing and dance to Mother Nature's songs
I don't want this feeling to go away

Who's to say
I can't do everything
Well I can try
And as I roll along I begin to find
Things aren't always just what they seem

I want to turn the whole thing upside down
I'll find the things they say just can't be found
I'll share this love I find with everyone
We'll sing and dance to Mother Nature's songs
This world keeps spinning and there's no time to waste
Well it all keeps spinning spinning round and round and

Upside down
Who's to say what's impossible and can't be found
I don't want this feeling to go away

Please don't go away
Please don't go away
Please don't go away
Is this how it's supposed to be
Is this how it's supposed to be

This just keeps getting worse!!!!

I went for a beta again today. We spent the day (supposed to be there for a few days)at the campground. I was swimming with Quin when the nurse called and Matt spoke to her. My number was 81.3 Monday, and 166 today, 3 days later. Doubled. She told Matt that the Dr. wanted me to go for labs today so that I can come in tomorrow for the shot of methotrexate (sp?) to abort the fetus because it may be ectopic. Matt told her that I would not be taking any shot without having an US first. She told him that we wouldn't be abe to see anything because my numbers are so low. Again, Matt said no shot without an US. So she scheduled an US for tomorrow morning at 9am, followed by a dr. appointment at 10am. She then called back to ask for my height and weight so she could order the shot of metho for tomorrow. I answered the phone this time and basically asked her why for 3 weeks we farted around with this and now its a big hurry up do the shot tomorrow? Was it because my number doubled? Her response, "No, its because it continues to rise." OK...so again, there doesn't seem to be a change. Its been rising for 3 weeks. Why is it now, today, a rush to get this shot? Why would the shot be ordered and given without US? I have NO symptoms of ectopic. it could be molar, blighted ovum, a crappy embryo not doing what it should...or maybe, just maybe a viable pregnancy. And, why is the doctor not calling me herself with this plan of action. This is complete bullshit. I told her I want a second opinion before any shot. I really liked my RE up until this adventure and I feel like tomorrow is going to get heated and in the end we won't ave a good working relationship. I know this could be ectopic, Im not doubting that possibility. Im just not convinced it for sure is. Methotrexate is a serious medication. I don't want to make this decision based on assumptions. I feel like they think Im being silly. They keep reiterating that this is not a viable pregnancy. OK...but that doesn't mean it is ectopic either. Im so scared right now. I feel like I have to make this decision without knowledge. I can't do an US myself. What if the tech isn't good, or doesn't care enough to look hard enough? Do I trust her? Do I trust my doctor? What if I don't take the sho and I rupture? I could be really sick, or even die. What if this is a viable pregnancy and I kill my baby?

Lets count the needles shall we?

Im not even going to count all of the accupuncture needles. Im only including lab work, IV's, and injections.
Total needles pokes: 52. 52 fricken stabs for nothing!
And, the best part is Im not even done with this cycle.

PreIVF labs: 2
Lupron injections: 22
Stim injections: 10
monitoring labs: 7
trigger shots: 2
IV: 2 (missed the first time)
betas: 5 plus the 2 that they missed the vein the first time

Thats just insane. Whats really crazy is that Boston IVF does things differently. They only have you do shots at night so you don't do 2 shots of half doses. If I was at my old clinic this number would be up around 84. I don't even do projesterone oil shots like a lot of IVFers.

Is this nightmare going to end?

Beta today was 81.3 or was it 83.1? whatever. It went up from 68 in 5 days. What does this all mean? I have to go back in 3 days for another beta. Why? Why not wait a full week? Is there ANY chance this could actually turn out good?

I guess its over

I went to Quincy for my next beta today. I prayed that it would be really high...at least 114 (doubled), and if not that it would be really low..like under 50. God didn't grant either of those wishes. I was so nervous all day waiting for the call. Seriously I was bordering a panic attack. My heart was racing, my stomache was flipping. It was an awful few hours. The call came around 1:30. It was Karen, the nurse I really like. I wish it wasn't because I sorta snapped at her and now I feel bad. She told me the number was 68. Grrrrrr.....! She we chatted a bit about what it could mean. She did say it would not be a viable pregnancy. Now the question is is it a M/C or a ectopic. She started to say she wants to repeat the beta on Saturday and I cut her off and said "I am NOT going to Waltham!! I will come to Quincy on either Friday or Monday." Waltham is an hour away, more if we are down at our camper in Plymouth. The local office is closed on weekends so Waltham is the only option. The way I see it there won't be a chance of good news. It may rise a bit whcih is very bad news, or it may drop which overall isn't good news either. I was told it can take 2 weeks to know what this is. So why bother driving and ruining another day? I then asked to speak to my doctor. She kinda tried to just talk to me but I insisted. She said Dr. Zimon had gone home for the day but she would leave her a note to call me tomorrow. Fine. At this point I don't think its unresonable to speak to the doctor about whats goig on. 5 minutes later the doctor called me. She is very cool, I like her a lot. She took the time to ask how Im doing. She answered my questions honestly. She even said, "Ok, so you know I don't hold hope for this pregnancy...I just want you to know that." She wasn't saying it to be a bitch...she just wants me to know exactly whats happening and I appreciate that. She did say she doesn't think its ectopic, she thinks its just an poor embryo that will soon stop multiplying and miscarry. She also said I could have lost a twin with all of that bleeding I had last week. I told her I'm afraid to even touch the 2 frozen embryos we have. She understood and she agreed to discuss testing me for clotting disorders. Not that I even knw a thing about them but I have read a lot of people having them and miscarrying because of it. I figure we should rule it out.
I got off the phone and wasn't devestated. I was frustrated! I now accepted it was over. Dh seemed really sad. I sat on the couch and quin moved over next to me and put his head on my lap. Does this kid know or what?! My dog is acting all wierd around me too. He won't come near me. Does he know?
I called my mom and filled her in on teh latest. She then starts saying that odd things happen and you just never know. She urged me not to do anything like drink or lift just in case this works out. She told me how when pregnant with my sister 26 yrs ago her blood tests were negative. They never could explain it. They thought she had a pituitary tumor because her hormones were out of whack. She finally had a confirmed pregnancy only 7 weeks before deliverng my slightly premature sister. So now I have this feeling of false hope. I hate false hope.
My symptoms are getting stronger too. I had an episode of nausia mid day. I suddenly felt starving even though I had eaten already. My sense of smell is strong, my boobs hurt and zing, and I had heart burn tonight. This sucks. I just want this all to be done...

drum roll please

57! 57? 57. Well WTF does this mean? Thursdays beta was 46.7, Fridays was 41, and Sundays 57. What is going on?!! Did I lose a twin and this slow rising beta is the other one still hanging on? If so I love you little one...stay with me. If not, is it ectopic? Is that dangerous?! Wouldn't I be in more pain?
Im not sure if I should be happy or sad. I do know Im nervous and frustrated. I don't go back until Wednesday for my next beta. This will be a big day...lol. Its almost comical at this point. Almost...

OK...more waiting

So the cramping bleeding started on Wednesday and ended Saturday afternoon. It ended up being like a normal AF. The cramps were pretty uncomfortable. Im going this morning for my third beta. I have to drive all the way to waltham to Boston IVF's main office since its the weekend. Last night i asked Matt to give me directions, since I planned to go alone. He said he would go with me. Good, I think he should. I think he is more upset about this loss than I am. Don't get me wrong, I am of course devestated but he just seems really down.
Yesterday we were busy, which helps. We had stayed at the campground so we spent the morning at the pond and then headed out for a mystery ride. We found a little church festival with free stuff-bouncy, face painting, hotdogs, snowcones etc. score!! Although they were singing praise music, and forgive me, but I am not at a point that I want to be hearing praise right now. As we were driving away what song comes on the damn radio but Stand by Rascal Flatts. I posted about that previously is this blog. I go a bit teary but held it together since I was with my family. If anything it brought on more anger...I am tired of getting back in the ring!!
We went down to Onset and got fried dough and drove along the water then headed back home. I took a short nap because I was feeling that fternoon exhaustion again. My right boob also had the zapping feeling all day. Cruel symptoms. Matt suggested a date night so my parents babysat while we went with my sister to an Irish pub. Of course we sat next to a couple with a newborn, in the same infant carrier that we have. And of course there was a pregnant waitress who kept walking by. So today is the big day. I keep saying that! This cycle has been a whirlwind. I just need this beta to be either way up ro way down. I just need to know. That small dip last time wasn't enough to close the door. It wasn't enouogh to let me order a drink at the pub last night lol. I still had/have that 10% glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe...

I'm Tired

I'm tired of waiting. Tired of being sad. Tired of being angry. Tired of getting my hopes up. Tired of not getting my hopes up. Just fucking tired. For like 6 years now my life has been driven by TTC. From the day we started our first IVF cycle in December 2004 it has been hanging over my head, weighing me down. We were so fortunate to have had success with our first cycle. I knew even then that having only one embryo actually result in a birth was pretty amazing. What I didn't know then was just HOW amazing. Quin truly is our miracle and each cycle we fail, or fails us, it makes me realize more and more just how blessed we are to have him. This 6th cycle was different. I had hope...that was my first mistake. I let my guard down. We transferred 2 perfect 8 cells and I had this sense of cockiness. Like, "of course this will work". I was nervous of twins...that was my big worry. Once I got that BFP I got a bit more nervous. I knew a lot could go wrong in early pregnancy...I'd been down that cruel route before. Matt and I joked about twins...I think all of our joking was just masking both of our fears of miscarriage. I got my BFP on Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday we were at the pond all day and I was cramping. Enough to make me nervous. I went back to the camper to take a rest. I hoped if I drank some water and napped the cramps would relax. They didn't. By 4pm they were really uncomfortable and when I went to the bathroom I saw blood when I wiped. My heart sank. I knew it was over. For some reason I didn't get hysterical. I didn't cry. I just felt numb. I sat and watched my family at dinner. Watched my miracle child be his typical pain in the ass at dinner. I was so sad to dissapoint Matt. I felt like I fucked up. I know it was nothing I did. I know this...but I still felt responsible. It took me about 20 minutes to even tell him.
We came home and I spent the evening online reading about miscarrying one twin while maintaining the other. I started getting a little bit of hope. The cramps and bleeding continued. Matt went to work, I went to bed. The next morning I went to Quincy for my first beta. Matt too the kids back to the campground and I stayed home. I felt like shit. Crampy and uncomfortable. The nurse called with a beta of 46.7 which she said was on the low end of average. She said we should be "cautiously opptimistic". I went back and forth between opptimistic and convinced it was done. My hope was that maybe I had only lost one. Not that that was a happy thought. Thats another thing thats unsettling. When I had my first miscarriage I was of course devestated that I was not pregnant but I was also devestated that my baby had dies...a baby had died. I went through 2 different mourning...mourning a pregnancy and mourning the loss of a child. This time was different. I was mourning the loss of a pregnancy. Thats it. I felt no connection to the child(ren) and that makes me so sad. Has this whole process hardened me so much that I had become that cold? Or was it just that I had guarded myself and didn't allow myself to get attached from the beginning? Im not sure but it has really been on my mind the past 2 days. I admit it has made this miscarriage significantly easier to cope with. Last time I was really haunted by the thought of my lost child, and where his/her soul ended up. This time it hasn't really even been a thought...and thats fucked up! How can a mother not be in mourning for the loss of her child?!
Anyways, the nurse said she wanted to see me back in 3 days, all the way in waltham, for my second beta. I begged for Saturday but no go. Since I am impatient I decided friday morning i would go to my pcp walk in clinic and ask for a beta, which I did. I lied to the NP and said I had done an unmonitored femara cycle. She called back at 10am with my results: 41. So it had falled in 24 hours. Done. Over. I told Matt. As I posted on my "board" several women responded that it could still be a lost twin and not to lose hope. I hate false hope. I tell Matt and he gets frustrated. He is almost acting like he is angry with me. I again can't help but feel like I let him down. He is just sorta distant...again. I mention how I am still planning to go to waltham Sunday, get it over with. He causually asked, "Do I have to go? I'm sick of driving." Really? Really?!
I spend the rest of the day online, reading my cysters respnses, some offering hop, most offering condolenses. Im gratefull for both. There is like a 10% glimmer of hope left in me. Like, what if it was a lost twin and I am still pregnant with one?! How amazing! But then that other 90% ells me its done, over, the cramps and the bleeding are too much for a tiny embryo to withstood.
So...I am starting to really get sad. Its taken me 2 days, but Im there. Im sad, and angry. Angry with God. Again. Im also feeling extra close to Quin. I just want to hold him all day. I almost woke him up and brought him into my bed last night.
We have 2 frozen embryos. I have never been able to say that before. I am scared to touch them...literally. I feel like I have destroyed 3 perfect 8 cell embryos in the past so why should next time be any different. I also have another fresh cycle approved by insurance. That is a very daunting task to even think of at this point. I know it will NOT be done next summer. I refuse to ruin another summer being tied up in IVF. But, thats getting ahead of ourselves. Honestly I don't know if Matt will even do it again. I know we'll do the FET, maybe in the fall.
I just want TTC to be done, over, behind us. Our life has been on hold for 6 years now. I want Quin to have a sibling so bad. I want to experience pregnancy and newborn days one more time. Thats it, just once more and I will be able to put this behind us. I need this weight off my shoulders. My marriage needs this weight off of it also.

Yup...I'm Pregnant!

I said today would be the day that I should know for sure if I was pregnant. I am 11 days past retrieval which is the same day i got both of BFP's for my other pregnancies. Last night I started getting nervous because I was poas like crazy and nothing. Well, one dollar tree had something but could have been evap line. So my plan was to not pee during the night and use my fmu on my last hpt, which happened to be a FRER. Well, DH got up at 3 to pee and woke me...so then I had to go. Then I woke up at 5:30 with the squirts (which I often get right before AF shows). I was wide awake until 6:30 and was convincing myself that my upset stomache wasn't a bad sign. I went back to sleep until 10:30 when I jumped out of bed to poas. I actually watched the second line start to appear. I brought it into the playroom under natural light. Yup, sure enough there was a very faint line that appeared quickly. I didn't freak, I just smiled and thanked God. Im not sure why I didn't get more excited. I think deep down I just really had high hopes for this cycle. I think I would have been shocked if I wasn't pregnant with such a great cycle. So I take my stick and walk into the kitchen where Matt sees the it and asked, "How long?" I thought for a second of some creative way to tell him. I could have had Quin tell him, but I don't want him to know until after the first trimester. So I just causually said, "Well, it can take up to 10 minutes but there's already a second line." So he takes a look and says "Well its really faint." Thats about it. No big excitement from either of us. I guess thats what a previous M/C will do to you. We are both very happy but so guarded.

Today is 10 dp retrieval and still BFN with FRER. I said I wouldn't get dissapointed yet because its still early...but I lied. Im feeling pretty down today thinking this cycle didn't work. My other 2 pregnancies I didn't get a BFP until 11 dpr so I don't know why Im feeling hopeless. Today is the 4th of July, which means we spend the day with Matt's family which is always a challenge for me anyways. Today is supposed to be wicked hot and humid...as it always is for the 4th. I just hope I can behave and let Matt enjoy the day.

Today is 9 days since retrieval (equivalent to 9dpo)and BFN. I am not in the least dissapointed in that since I know it is too early to get a bfp. I tested yesterday also to be sure the trigger shot is out of my system. Tomorrow is the 4th of July and I plan to poas again. Maybe it will be positive. Again, it will be too early to get dissapointed. Monday is my day. That will be 11dpr which is the same day I got my BFP's with my other 2 pregnancies. I WILL be dissapointed if still BFN then.
So far I have had some promising symptoms. I will talk in terms of days past retrieval just to keep it simple.
7dpr: late at night I felt a few sharp twists on my lower right
8dpr: late at ight I started getting a chewing sensation in that same location. It felt like a little mouse biting my from inside. Dreams are getting bizzarre, and keeping me awake. Sense of smell might be a bit stronger.

2 perfect 8 cells

These are the "2 perfect 8 cell embryos" that we transferred on Sunday. They are beautiful aren't they?! We froze 2 more perfect 8 cells. More on that at another time. This is a picture of a picture so its not very good quality. These don't have any visible fragmentation and you can clearly count the 8 cells.






This picture was taken just moments before Matt and I left for our tranfer appointment. It's (hopefully) the last pic of just the 3 of us. Jason was manning the camera so Quin and Matt weren't really ready...or maybe Matt is just nervous as hell! At that point all we knew was 2 days before we had 10 fertilized embryos. We had no idea how many would be waiting for us when we arrived. As it turned out we had more than we bargained for. 4 perfect 8 cells (doctors words).

Fert report just in

OMG...thats the phrase of the day in this house! We waited all day to get the call, but it was worth it. Around 2:30 Matt said his bet was 7 were fertilized. Of course he was joking. I laughed and said, "Please...I am hoping for 2. 2 would be great news, 1 would be good news". I never in a million years would have guessed that 10 would have fertilized! yes, 10. Holy shit! 13 eggs retrieved and all 13 were mature. our other cycles looked like this:

1) 7 eggs 5 mature 1 fertilized (Quin)
2) 14 eggs 10 mature 1 fertilized (miscarriage)
3) 11 eggs 8 mature 1 poor quality fertilized BFN
4) 20 eggs 9 mature 1 egg sorta fertilized but acted wierd BFN
5) 15 eggs 6 mature 0 fertilized
6) 13 eggs 13 mature as of now 10 fertilized

So, this cycle yielded very different results overall. So, either accupuncture worked or the longer slower cycle made all the difference.
Now we have to sit and wait 2 more days to find out what the final fert outcome is. They don't call tomorrow to update which sucks. I really think they should! So betwen now and Sunday a lot can happn to my precious embryos. When we go in Sunday we won't know how many we have or what the quality is until right before transfer. The plan is to transfer 2 unless quality is very poor and then we would consider more. Augh...thats scary too. I can handle the idea of twins but triplets or more I don't think my body could do that. Twins would be scary too. I just keep saying two is better than none, but one is better than two. I pray this cycle is successful because now everyone's hopes are up. My mom is being wierd. I called with the great results and she just said , "Oh...10. Is that good?" WTF she knows our previous results. She knows 10 is amazing for us. She then said, "Im not getting my hopes up. I can't handle the dissapointment again." She doesn't mean to be Debbie Downer but thats how she gets with this stuff. The only real joy in her life is Quin...its what keeps her going through her illness. To be able to give her another reason to keep on truckin' would be great. Matt is walking around in a stupor. I don't know how he'll handle it if its a bust. I guess I need to just keep positivethoughts for the next few days. If your reading keep our little embryos, all 10!, in your prayers.

retrieval is done...now the wait begins

On Tuesday my E2 was 2954 and I had about 13 or so measurable follicles so I triggered with 2 ovidril shots that night. I had retrieval yesterday (Thursday). I was happy that my own doctor, Dr. Zimon was on. I don't think she is the best doctor there, but I like her personality. Once in the OR I climbed up on teh table and the very nice anesthesia doctor got my IV gong on the first try. She gave me a little cocktail. Can I just say I really enjoy this part...seriously. Its a little trippy and I like it. lol. No, Im not even kidding at all. This trip lasted longer than usual..maybe 2 minutes before I fell asleep...or until I stopped remembering. Whichever. Also this was the first time I woke up in the OR. I woke up just as they were getting ready to have me move to the stretcher. I rested a bit in the recovery area and felt pretty good. My upper thighs and hips hurt a bit from being in those crazy stirrups. Matt came in and we saw dr. Zimon. She said they got 13 eggs relatively easily. She was happy, we were happy. She said she feels really positive about it. She also said she doesn't usually say that but sometimes she just gets a vibe. OK..I'll take it! So, now we wait. They will call this afternoon with the fertilzation report. This is the moment of truth. Last time none fertilized so the reality is that this could be just as bad. Im not sure how I will react. Last time it took me a few days to get really upset/angry and then it took me a really long time to get over it. I say that I am prepared for the worst...but really who is? i just hope Matt is ok. He doesn't communicate and that just makes things worse. Monday is his birthday...what a shitty way to spend the day if we get bad news. Im hoping Dr. Zimon herself calls with great news. By great I mean like 2 embryos. Good news would be one. Some people get dissapointed to hear they only have 5 or 6. Please! waiting...

So close...

Im on day 9 of follistim. I had to go to Waltham for labs/US saturday and sundy because the local office isn't open on weekends. I have no idea what my E2 level has been since the nurse leaving the messages hasn't mentioned that. Im thinking it might be pretty high though. I am exhausted and have taken 2 hour naps the past 2 days. I also am craving fruit and vegetables that are water based. I have no craving for proteins which is what I should be focusing on now. I have 6 follies on each ovary that are measurable. Last cycle I had just about the same amount and same size and they had me trigger. This time they want me to stim another day and come back for my monitoring. Im hoping that means more of these little guys will be mature at retrieval. Overall this has been a fairly relaxing cycle. It helps that school is out.
Quin, who obviously has no idea of what we are going through, has been mentioning twins a lot. He commented that I will have lots of babies in my belly. I asked if I had 2 babies would he help me take care of them because I could only take care of one at a time. His answer was, "well, you can just tell the baby to wait a minute." LMAO. He is so funny because he is so serious. I would love to see him as a big brother, I think he would be so sweet.
I have been researching my consolation prize. After each failed cycle I took on a new project to keep me focused. Usually planning either a trip or buying a new car lol. This time its both. We are getting a new mini van wether this is a success or not. If its not a success we will do a big trip sometime in the fall/winter. I am thinking either a caribbean cruise or Disney. This way I have something to be excited about!

just updating

Its Thurday and getting close to dooms day. I started Follistim 250 Sunday night. I went for my first labs/US Wednesday and the nurse called to say that my E2 was 584 and to drop my stim to 150. I have multiple smaller follies on each ovary with a 12 on my left and a 14 on my right...or vice versa...whatever. I have to go back friday for more labs/us. Im starting to feel a little fat. lol ok, wait, let me clarify that. Im starting to feel fatter. My pants are snug...snugger.
Yesterday I went to accupuncture. I waited about 10 minutes then she brought me to a room and left. I layed on the table and fell asleep twice waiting for her to come back. She NEVER even put in any needles. I thought she went to get something and would be right back. No, 30 minutes later, and 2 quick nod off and I got up and walked out. DONE. This is after last time that I waited like 45 minutes in the waiting room and then only layed with needles for 20 minutes...and still charged $65! SO this time I saved my money and went home. Accupuncture isn't for me! I feel like I wasted a lot of money though...

Its almost real

The past few days have been IVF driven. Today is Friday. Sunday I took my last BCP and was told to call on day one, or Thursday if no AF by then. Thursday came and no AF so I called Karen the nurse (she is awesome!). I left her a message and when I got home from work I had a returned message from her saying I should come in Friday morning at 7:35 for lab. Damn! There was no way I could be at work on time and I was supposed to go to a training. I called my principal and explained the situation. She was fine, but I still felt anxious about missing the training. I feel like lately I'm not on her top ten list...not really sure why I feel that way. So then I arranged for my mom to watch Quin at 6:45am because Matt was working the overnight. I started feeling overwhelmed. Looking back at my previous cycles' schedules I was guessing I would be going for labs again on Monday. Great, its my day off but its also Quin's preschool graduation. I HAD to be there. There was no way I could miss it. By tha evening i was feeling shitty about the whole situation. I decided I was not going for labs Friday morning, I would just lie and tell Karen AF started. I spend the rent of the night worrying if that was going to screw up my cycle. Well, low and behold I woke up and felt like AF was here. It wasn't but i knew it would be any minute. I was right, by 6:45 it was here. I was able to go to work on time, not have to lie to the nurse, and my anxiety went down. I got my weekend instructions. I am going to lower my lupron to 5 units starting tonight, and then starting tomorrow night take 225 of follistim each night. The best part is I don't have labs Monday!! I don't have to go back until Wednesday...my last day of school. I'll have to be late but oh well...just something else to feel anxious about!!

maybe a new motto is needed

If what doesn't kill us is making us stronger,
Were gonna last longer,
Than the greatest wall in China,
Or that rabbit with the drum.

If theres one thing that i've learned,
While waitin for my turn,
Is that in each life some rain falls,
But you also get some sun,

And we'll make out better than ok,
Hear what i say?
Yeah any day

So you had a bad day...

So I had my very first, of many, "bad" days of IVF. I was just in a funk all day, on edge. Quin was being particularly grouchy and fresh. I ended up losing it on him and he spent the afternoon in his room. He took a nap which is very unlike him. I don't know if its the BCP's I'm now on, or the fact that I am no longer taking celexa, but I was a bear. Then I went to visit Colleen's friend and her 2 week old son. I didn't get to hold him, which was probably a good thing. I was fighting tears just looking at him. I was sad that I would probably not get that experience again. He was so tiny and cute and I just want the chance to do that again...and this time I WILL enjoy it. Im not feeling hopeful about this IVF. Reality is that it probably won't work. Then the analyzer in me says well, I was hopeful for my other cycles that didn't work so maybe my lack of confidence will mean this will work?! I don't know. I spent the afternoon/evening holding back tears. Feeling sorry for what I DON'T have and what I have to go through. I need to just stop and be grateful for all I do have. I have a healthy kid...really isn't that the best thing there is. I really hope my mood is better today, I hate when I lose it on Quin and when I feel depressed. Thats no way to live. Next week, 6 days actually, I start my lupron shots. That stuff makes me a bitch! I just really pray that Matt is tolerant of my moods and doesn't shut me out and make me feel worse. My focus this week is to make sure Quin doesn't have any gluten to see if we can get his mood stabilized. On top of all this Jason's med change has made his bipolar more evident and his absence seizures haven't improved.

I hate accupuncture

I am taking one for the team. I hate accupuncture. I have been to my little Asian friend 4 times so far, once each week, and I have yet to feel relaxed. The hard wooden exam table that I lay on for one hour is so uncomfortable that my hips and lower back feel like they are cracking in half. I don't typically sleep on my back, so there is no way Im sleeping on a hard table, on my back, with needles sticking out of me. The needles in my wrists hurt...she said those are the ones that go to the heart. The ones on the top/side of my feet hurt also. Surprisingly the ones in my ears and forehead don't bother me. After every session Dr. Chen comes back into the room, flips on the light and asks if I rested. NO! I spend an hour waiting for her to come back to end my torture. She asked me if I could start going twice a week, I told her I can't afford it. Its $65 a session. She looked at me like I was a loser and asked how much I could afford. blunt! I told her that once a week was a stretch. I think if I actually enjoyed it and felt relaxation from it I could scrape up enough for 2x a week...but once a week is plenty for me! I would love to quit, but then I totally threw away $302 that I already spent on the sessions and chinese herbs. Then, say I do quit and this IVF is unsuccessful I will have this "what if.." crap in my head. So, Im sticking it out once a week until transfer. Basically about 5 or 6 more sessions. Yup, Im taking one for the team...again.

Songs that make me think of IVF

So I am one of those people who analyze song lyrics. I always wonder what the singer/writer meant by what they wrote. During one of my many cycles rascal Flatts Stand was on the radio a lot. One day driving home, close to tears, from yet another RE appointment it came on and I thought, "OMG...this is my IVF song!" So now every time I hear it I picture that day, driving down RT. 18 from my old RE's office (she was a bitch...she sounded like the nanny!)and how sad I was. Dh and I have been through a lot, and when it comes to making a baby we are fighters. We haven't given up, we've gotten back in the ring again and again...even after getting knocked out instead of knocked up!!! I do believe that as much as this journey has sucked, it has made us stronger and better for it. I think it has made us appreciate our son more than typical parents do. We KNOW he is a miracle. We also know he is a stubborn SOB and thats why his embryo prevailed when all others failed. ;)

Lyrics:

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless, like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright, you'll be alright

?Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend ?til you break
?Cause it's all you can take

On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand

Life's like a novel with the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon with only one way down
Take what you're given before it's gone
And start holdin' on, keep holdin' on

?Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend ?til you break
?Cause it's all you can take

On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, yeah, then you stand

Every time you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place, yeah

?Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend ?til you break
?Cause it's all you can take

Yeah, then you stand
Yeah, baby
Woo hoo, woo hoo
Woo hoo, woo hoo
Then you stand, yeah yeah

The Dixie Chicks have also been through IVF. This song speaks for itself. I can't say I feel guilty towards my husband since he has male factor and that means we have equal blame in our inability to procreate. Thats been a double edged sword. I think its made our journey blameless and for that I am grateful, but it makes beating infertility twice as hard. However, I do feel guilty that we can't give our son a sibling.

Back when we started
We didn't know how hard it was
Living on nothing
But what the wind would bring to us
Now we've got something
I can imagine fighting for
So why is fighting all that we're good at anymore

And sometimes I don't have the energy
To prove everybody wrong
And I try my best to be strong
But you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard

It felt like a given
Something a woman's born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you

And I'd feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn't give
And could you be happy
If life wasn't how we pictured it

And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on
Cause you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
So hard

I can live for the moment
When all these clouds open up for me to see
And show me a vision
Of you and me swimming peacefully

Last night you told me
That you can't remember
How to feel free

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy, easy

It's so hard


Then this song makes me think of my son. Sarah McLachlan's Ordinary Miracle. Quin is our world and I pray to God that he has a sibling because otherwise he is going to be such a spoiled brat!

It’s not that usual when everything is beautiful
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

The sky knows when its time to snow
You don’t need to teach a seed to grow
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

Life is like a gift they say
Wrapped up for you everyday
Open up and find a way
To give some of your own

Isn’t it remarkable?
Like every time a raindrop falls
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

Birds in winter have their fling
And always make it home by spring
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

When you wake up everyday
Please don’t throw your dreams away
Hold them close to your heart
Cause we are all a part
Of the ordinary miracle

Ordinary miracle
Do you want to see a miracle?

Its seems so exceptional
Things just work out after all
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

The sun comes up and shines so bright
It disappears again at night
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

It’s just another ordinary miracle today

How many prics can a girl take?

So this cycle I am going to keep count of how many needles I get. Anyone wanna place bets that it will be over 50? So far its been 3. I had day3 labs done. There is this phlebotomist (sp?) at the lab near my house who is just nasty. She is so grouchy and she looks like Pat from teh old Saturday night Lives. Her name on her lab coat is M.J. OK...so maybe she isn't even a she...could be a guy. maybe? Anyways, shim hates shims job and makes you feel like you are there just to annoy her..him? whatever. So after my first lab draw 3 days later the RE decided she forgot to add some things to the lab slip...so back to the lab I go. This time I got this wicked nice lady. She was chatty and friendly and really went out of her way to do a good job. So I show her the vein in my arm that is usually trustworthy. After digging around a bit that vein let me down. Its way too early in a cycle for that vein to be shot already. Usually its not until at least a dozen pokes that it is useless. I guess all these years of abuse could be to blame. So the nice lady used my other arm and now I have two ugly bruises to show for my battle wounds. So that brings my count up to 3 already.

First timer

This is my very first attempt at blogging. I guess I will give my history for those who don't know it. I have done 5 IVF cycles so far. The breakdown of those are:
1) 1 perfect 8 cell embryo that is now a 4 year old wild-child named Quinten
2) 1 perfect 8 cell embryo that I misscarried at 5 weeks 5 days.
3) 1 6 cell embryo with fragmentation=negative
4) 1 wierd embryo that nobody knew what to call=negative
5) no embryos at all. we suck! lol

We are about to begin our 6th, and probably last, cycle. We are so fortunate that here in MA our insurance covers 6 cycles. Each cycle would have cost us about $15K. We probably wouldn't have even done a cycle.

Since this is our last cycle I want to do things a little differently. Today I went to my first acupuncture appointment. The dr. was an old Asian lady who was very blunt. She asked where "all this weigh came from?" hmmm, I eat alot? Then she asked me if I want sex. Ummm, not with you? I didn't know that was offered in an acupuncture office!!! So she got right down to business...with needles. She stuck a bunch in my ears, a few in my forehead, some in my feet, knees, belly, and wrists. The ones in my wrist sent a wierd zapping shock down to my finger. Then she put a heat lamp on my stomach and left me to "relax" in the room for about 45 minutes. I didn't relax at all. I couldn't think of anything besides the needles sticking out of me. I was uncomfortable laying on an exam table, trying not to move. Then I spent time wondering how I was going to convince my husband that he should give acupuncture a try...what could it hurt right? I drove home feeling hopeful. Not hopeful that my husband would agree to this turture, er...therapy...but that this IVF was going to be a success. i have alway had this theory that my kids would be 5 yrs apart. I have followed my mothers time line of events with everything. Got married at the same age, had first kid at the same age, and if this IVf works, had our second kid at the same age. This baby will be born within a week of Quin's fifth birthday. His retrieval was at the end of June, and this retrieval will probably be beginning of July. They could even have the same birthday. Oh, thats another wierd thing. Quin was born March 17, 2006. Saint Patrick's Day. My little leprechaun. My second pregnancy due date was also March 17, 2008. If this next baby has that same date...well, thats just freaky!!!
So anyways, as Im driving home I feel a needle sticking out of my neck. I just pull it out. I guess Dr. chen forgot it. Its very thin and tiny. When I get home I casually mention to DH about him going...yeah, he wasn't so rceptive! Even after I explained to him that the needles would NOT be placd in his balls he still didn't seem too enthused. Oh...I found another needle sticking out of my belly. I wonder if Dr. Chen does this to other patients?