Songs that make me think of IVF

So I am one of those people who analyze song lyrics. I always wonder what the singer/writer meant by what they wrote. During one of my many cycles rascal Flatts Stand was on the radio a lot. One day driving home, close to tears, from yet another RE appointment it came on and I thought, "OMG...this is my IVF song!" So now every time I hear it I picture that day, driving down RT. 18 from my old RE's office (she was a bitch...she sounded like the nanny!)and how sad I was. Dh and I have been through a lot, and when it comes to making a baby we are fighters. We haven't given up, we've gotten back in the ring again and again...even after getting knocked out instead of knocked up!!! I do believe that as much as this journey has sucked, it has made us stronger and better for it. I think it has made us appreciate our son more than typical parents do. We KNOW he is a miracle. We also know he is a stubborn SOB and thats why his embryo prevailed when all others failed. ;)

Lyrics:

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless, like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright, you'll be alright

?Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend ?til you break
?Cause it's all you can take

On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand

Life's like a novel with the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon with only one way down
Take what you're given before it's gone
And start holdin' on, keep holdin' on

?Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend ?til you break
?Cause it's all you can take

On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, yeah, then you stand

Every time you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place, yeah

?Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend ?til you break
?Cause it's all you can take

Yeah, then you stand
Yeah, baby
Woo hoo, woo hoo
Woo hoo, woo hoo
Then you stand, yeah yeah

The Dixie Chicks have also been through IVF. This song speaks for itself. I can't say I feel guilty towards my husband since he has male factor and that means we have equal blame in our inability to procreate. Thats been a double edged sword. I think its made our journey blameless and for that I am grateful, but it makes beating infertility twice as hard. However, I do feel guilty that we can't give our son a sibling.

Back when we started
We didn't know how hard it was
Living on nothing
But what the wind would bring to us
Now we've got something
I can imagine fighting for
So why is fighting all that we're good at anymore

And sometimes I don't have the energy
To prove everybody wrong
And I try my best to be strong
But you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard

It felt like a given
Something a woman's born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you

And I'd feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn't give
And could you be happy
If life wasn't how we pictured it

And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on
Cause you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
So hard

I can live for the moment
When all these clouds open up for me to see
And show me a vision
Of you and me swimming peacefully

Last night you told me
That you can't remember
How to feel free

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy, easy

It's so hard


Then this song makes me think of my son. Sarah McLachlan's Ordinary Miracle. Quin is our world and I pray to God that he has a sibling because otherwise he is going to be such a spoiled brat!

It’s not that usual when everything is beautiful
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

The sky knows when its time to snow
You don’t need to teach a seed to grow
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

Life is like a gift they say
Wrapped up for you everyday
Open up and find a way
To give some of your own

Isn’t it remarkable?
Like every time a raindrop falls
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

Birds in winter have their fling
And always make it home by spring
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

When you wake up everyday
Please don’t throw your dreams away
Hold them close to your heart
Cause we are all a part
Of the ordinary miracle

Ordinary miracle
Do you want to see a miracle?

Its seems so exceptional
Things just work out after all
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

The sun comes up and shines so bright
It disappears again at night
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

It’s just another ordinary miracle today

How many prics can a girl take?

So this cycle I am going to keep count of how many needles I get. Anyone wanna place bets that it will be over 50? So far its been 3. I had day3 labs done. There is this phlebotomist (sp?) at the lab near my house who is just nasty. She is so grouchy and she looks like Pat from teh old Saturday night Lives. Her name on her lab coat is M.J. OK...so maybe she isn't even a she...could be a guy. maybe? Anyways, shim hates shims job and makes you feel like you are there just to annoy her..him? whatever. So after my first lab draw 3 days later the RE decided she forgot to add some things to the lab slip...so back to the lab I go. This time I got this wicked nice lady. She was chatty and friendly and really went out of her way to do a good job. So I show her the vein in my arm that is usually trustworthy. After digging around a bit that vein let me down. Its way too early in a cycle for that vein to be shot already. Usually its not until at least a dozen pokes that it is useless. I guess all these years of abuse could be to blame. So the nice lady used my other arm and now I have two ugly bruises to show for my battle wounds. So that brings my count up to 3 already.

First timer

This is my very first attempt at blogging. I guess I will give my history for those who don't know it. I have done 5 IVF cycles so far. The breakdown of those are:
1) 1 perfect 8 cell embryo that is now a 4 year old wild-child named Quinten
2) 1 perfect 8 cell embryo that I misscarried at 5 weeks 5 days.
3) 1 6 cell embryo with fragmentation=negative
4) 1 wierd embryo that nobody knew what to call=negative
5) no embryos at all. we suck! lol

We are about to begin our 6th, and probably last, cycle. We are so fortunate that here in MA our insurance covers 6 cycles. Each cycle would have cost us about $15K. We probably wouldn't have even done a cycle.

Since this is our last cycle I want to do things a little differently. Today I went to my first acupuncture appointment. The dr. was an old Asian lady who was very blunt. She asked where "all this weigh came from?" hmmm, I eat alot? Then she asked me if I want sex. Ummm, not with you? I didn't know that was offered in an acupuncture office!!! So she got right down to business...with needles. She stuck a bunch in my ears, a few in my forehead, some in my feet, knees, belly, and wrists. The ones in my wrist sent a wierd zapping shock down to my finger. Then she put a heat lamp on my stomach and left me to "relax" in the room for about 45 minutes. I didn't relax at all. I couldn't think of anything besides the needles sticking out of me. I was uncomfortable laying on an exam table, trying not to move. Then I spent time wondering how I was going to convince my husband that he should give acupuncture a try...what could it hurt right? I drove home feeling hopeful. Not hopeful that my husband would agree to this turture, er...therapy...but that this IVF was going to be a success. i have alway had this theory that my kids would be 5 yrs apart. I have followed my mothers time line of events with everything. Got married at the same age, had first kid at the same age, and if this IVf works, had our second kid at the same age. This baby will be born within a week of Quin's fifth birthday. His retrieval was at the end of June, and this retrieval will probably be beginning of July. They could even have the same birthday. Oh, thats another wierd thing. Quin was born March 17, 2006. Saint Patrick's Day. My little leprechaun. My second pregnancy due date was also March 17, 2008. If this next baby has that same date...well, thats just freaky!!!
So anyways, as Im driving home I feel a needle sticking out of my neck. I just pull it out. I guess Dr. chen forgot it. Its very thin and tiny. When I get home I casually mention to DH about him going...yeah, he wasn't so rceptive! Even after I explained to him that the needles would NOT be placd in his balls he still didn't seem too enthused. Oh...I found another needle sticking out of my belly. I wonder if Dr. Chen does this to other patients?