The next chapter can now begin

My IF journey is OVER!! Its been 6 years of doctors, tests, labs, meds, procedures, and tears. Im sad, angry, and anxious but also relieved. I got a very clearly BFN this morning, no hint of a line on a FRER. Im the equivalent of 11dpo. Im supposed to go for a beta tomorrow, but Im going to put it off. Maybe I'll go over the weekend, no sense in running around before work and starting my day off in a craze just to confirm bad news.
I need to cleanse my heart mind and home. My attic is full of baby stuff that needs to be sold. We can now go forward with buying a new camper and redoing the playroom into Quin's new bedroom. No need to save the nursery. I can even book a vacation for next year in advance! Imagine! We can enroll Quin in private school because we don't have to worry about the tuition for a second child. I can go back to work full time soon because next year Quin will be in school and theres no need for me to be home. I also need to accept that my family is complete...thats going to be the hard part. Matt is OK with it, but I'm not there yet. But, I need to focus on that now. I'll probably always long for a baby, I just hope I can get to a point where I don't feel guilt for Quin being an only. I want to get to a point where a day goes by that I don't think/wish/pray/beg that I get pregnant.

Things that make you go "Huh?"

My other 3 pregnancies I felt a biting pain around 6 or 7 dpo which I assume was implantation. I describe it as a little mouse biting me inside. I haven't felt that this time. I was telling Matt that yesterday morning...Quin was no where around us when we had this convo. Last night as I was buckling him into his car seat he randomly says "Who cares about mice!" just being silly I guess. I was like , "Huh? What did you say?" DH and I were just staring at each other laughing. Then Quin says, "You're allergic to mice!!" Ha! I think he's right!!! Now...my kid is known to be random, and he does know I have a fear of rodents...but this convo was oddly coincidental.

I tested today BFN. Im only the equivalent of 8dpo so too early I know. I will test everyday between now and friday. I won't be disappointed until Wednesday. That will be 11dpo which is the same day I got my other 3 BFP's. Friday is my beta...well, if I get a positive. If not I won't bother going till the following Tuesday which is my day off. I'm not feeling hopeful at all. Still no mice bites but I did have a slight twisty feeling cramp in my lower right side that lasted about 5 minutes..maybe thats a sign?

Sugarland "Stand Back Up"

Go ahead and take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
I'm laid out on the floor, but I've been here before,
I may stumble, yeah I might fall,
Only human aren't we all?
I might lose my way, but hear me when i say,

I will stand back up,
Youll know just the moment when ive have enough,
Sometimes im afraid, and i dont feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,

I've been beaten up and bruised,
I've been kicked right off my shoes,
Been down on my knees more times than youd believe,
When the darkness tries to get me,
Theres a light that just wont let me,
It might take my pride, and my tears may fill my eyes,
But I'll stand back up,

I've weathered all these stroms,
But i just turn them into wind, so i can fly,
What dont kill you makes you stronger,
When I take my last breath,
Thats when I'll just give up,

So, go ahead to take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
You might win this round but you cant keep me down,

'Cause I'll stand back up,
And you'll know just the moment when ive had enough,
Sometimes im afraid and I dont feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,

Youll know just the moment when ive had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid and I dont feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up.

Will its done...er, I mean, Well its done

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I feel like a load has been lifted. Our fertility journey is over for good. We had our embryo transfer today and will know in about 10 or 11 days if it was a success. Either way I am happy to say we are done with this long drawn out chapter of IF. We arrived at the center 45 minutes early so I checked to see if they could squeeze me in for an accupuncture session. They said sure. I waited and waited and my anxiety was rising and rising. Finally she appologized and brought me in. It was such a relaxing session. I honestly felt relaxed leaving there. I never felt relaxed after a session with that crazy Asian I used to go to. Im not sure if it was placebo effect or whatever, but I felt elated going into the Surgi area. A doctor I had never met came over and wasn't very friendly. She said we would transfer one embryo, the other did not survive. The one remaining also lost cells going form 8 to 5. I felt a bit of a blow...I asked some questions and found out thats not uncommon and not reason to feel defeated. OK...still feeling happy I changed into a gown and Matt dressed in scrubs. We walked to the OR. I was almost manic I felt so happy. Very strange. I remember thinking "This is the last time I will be back here ever." I savored the moment lol. The nurse was very nice and she guided me up onto the table. Once I was in position Ms. Friendly doctor came over and prepped me. She wasn't chatty or gentle. Matt watched the embryologist load the catheter. We watched on the ultra sound screen as the embryo was released in my uterous. As soon as it entered I noticed the radio. Sade "By your side" came on at the exact moment the embryo was released. I love that song. The doctor wasn't even friendly as we left. No "good luck" or "Nice Vag"...nothing. She is the first Boston IVF staff I have encountered who wasn't personable. Oh well...lets pray she did her job well. I got changed and headed back to the acupuncture area where I had my second session. It was also relaxing and I wished this clinic was closer to my house. I would probably come back if it was. I was/am feeling very at peace. I am trying to have positive thoughts because as the accupuncturist reminded me "thoughts are energy". I was positive energy running through me. We started the drive home and planned to stop for lunch...I wanted soup. To warm my uterous lol. We got off the highway at the next exit and found a panera bread. Perfect! No parking...fail. We drove on and saw a Papa Ginos so Matt pulled in. Let me remind you we are an hour from home, have never been here before. As we are standing in line to order Matt says, "Is that Will? Thats Will..his nametag even says Will!" Will is an old ex boyfriend that I dated from 8th-10th grade. Matt has always hated him because he felt Will stole me from him. Will was a really nice kid, and probably had/has no idea he has been the butt of many jokes between Matt and I. So anyways we are both cracking up laughing. Here, an hour from home, today of all days is Will. Serving us pizza. Matt is bright red trying not to laugh. Of course Will takes our order and instead of pretending he doesn't know me he is very nice and does some small talk. I felt really bad because he probably saw us laughing. We grab a table and continue laughing. Matt just thinks its so funny that Will is a pizza boy. We get our slices and they are huge...so of course I have to comment that Will knows I like em big! I think Matt felt better that Will was no longer the blond haired blue eyed pretty boy he used to be.
Ok...that was a long story but it was just so funny. I came home and took a nap. I have been eating/drinking warm things all day. Its going to be a long 10 or 11 days of course but at this moment i am happy and hopeful.