move on...later

I don't think I have actually truly thought about my last cycle and all it brought. I was of course sad, frustrated, scared etc with everything that happened but I haven't truly mourned the loss of my baby or babies. I definately built up a wall so I wouldn't get attached. Im not sure if thats normal after having a miscarriage. Im scared to try again. The plan was to start a frozen embryo cycle in October. Somehow I managed to get Matt to agree to a Disney vacation. Since we are going in December we won't be doing a FET until January. Maybe this is my subconscious way of avoiding another disaster. The FET will absolutely be our last chance at TTC with IVF. This is the very first cycle I have had to say that. Insurance will cover one more but I know in my heart we need to just be done. I am glad I have finally come to that decision on my own and it wasn't dictated by insurance or Matt's insistence. Since this is our last cycle I think I am more nervous than ever to do it. If it doesn't work Im not sure how I will handle it. Although I am OK with no more IVF, I am not yet at peace with accepting I will not have any more kids. I just pray that I come to peace with that if thats how things pan out. My beta is at zero now so I guess I can say that the cycle is finally over. I go for labs tomorrow (OMG again?!) to test for clotting disorders and genetic stuff. I kinda hope they find a clotting disorder because then there is something we can do to fix the situation.