The shot is scheduled

I had an appointment yesterday with Dr. Z. We discussed my options...which was basically when to get the shot. At that point we didn't have my beta back yet. We only had Thursdays and Fridays which were 166 and 174. I was praying that my number would come down and no shot was needed. I explained that I was struggling ethically about this and she respected that. We agreed we would wait and see what Mondays labs showed. If they were down no shot, if they stayed the same I would repeat labs on Thursday. Well, I got the call that they are now 310. The worst news possible IMO. Now I am back to wondering if there is some miracle that its just a slow to start embryo. My RE says there is 0% chance this is a viable pregnancy. My OB's nurse says the same thing. Do I trust the professionals?
The plan right now is for me to come in Thursday morning for the shot. The nurse already ordered it for me. I have an appointment scheduled.

I heard this song on the radio tonight and thought maybe it had some meaning

Upside Down by Jack Johnson

Who's to say
What's impossible
Well they forgot
This world keeps spinning
And with each new day
I can feel a change in everything
And as the surface breaks reflections fade
But in some ways they remain the same
And as my mind begins to spread its wings
There's no stopping curiosity

I want to turn the whole thing upside down
I'll find the things they say just can't be found
I'll share this love I find with everyone
We'll sing and dance to Mother Nature's songs
I don't want this feeling to go away

Who's to say
I can't do everything
Well I can try
And as I roll along I begin to find
Things aren't always just what they seem

I want to turn the whole thing upside down
I'll find the things they say just can't be found
I'll share this love I find with everyone
We'll sing and dance to Mother Nature's songs
This world keeps spinning and there's no time to waste
Well it all keeps spinning spinning round and round and

Upside down
Who's to say what's impossible and can't be found
I don't want this feeling to go away

Please don't go away
Please don't go away
Please don't go away
Is this how it's supposed to be
Is this how it's supposed to be

This just keeps getting worse!!!!

I went for a beta again today. We spent the day (supposed to be there for a few days)at the campground. I was swimming with Quin when the nurse called and Matt spoke to her. My number was 81.3 Monday, and 166 today, 3 days later. Doubled. She told Matt that the Dr. wanted me to go for labs today so that I can come in tomorrow for the shot of methotrexate (sp?) to abort the fetus because it may be ectopic. Matt told her that I would not be taking any shot without having an US first. She told him that we wouldn't be abe to see anything because my numbers are so low. Again, Matt said no shot without an US. So she scheduled an US for tomorrow morning at 9am, followed by a dr. appointment at 10am. She then called back to ask for my height and weight so she could order the shot of metho for tomorrow. I answered the phone this time and basically asked her why for 3 weeks we farted around with this and now its a big hurry up do the shot tomorrow? Was it because my number doubled? Her response, "No, its because it continues to rise." OK...so again, there doesn't seem to be a change. Its been rising for 3 weeks. Why is it now, today, a rush to get this shot? Why would the shot be ordered and given without US? I have NO symptoms of ectopic. it could be molar, blighted ovum, a crappy embryo not doing what it should...or maybe, just maybe a viable pregnancy. And, why is the doctor not calling me herself with this plan of action. This is complete bullshit. I told her I want a second opinion before any shot. I really liked my RE up until this adventure and I feel like tomorrow is going to get heated and in the end we won't ave a good working relationship. I know this could be ectopic, Im not doubting that possibility. Im just not convinced it for sure is. Methotrexate is a serious medication. I don't want to make this decision based on assumptions. I feel like they think Im being silly. They keep reiterating that this is not a viable pregnancy. OK...but that doesn't mean it is ectopic either. Im so scared right now. I feel like I have to make this decision without knowledge. I can't do an US myself. What if the tech isn't good, or doesn't care enough to look hard enough? Do I trust her? Do I trust my doctor? What if I don't take the sho and I rupture? I could be really sick, or even die. What if this is a viable pregnancy and I kill my baby?

Lets count the needles shall we?

Im not even going to count all of the accupuncture needles. Im only including lab work, IV's, and injections.
Total needles pokes: 52. 52 fricken stabs for nothing!
And, the best part is Im not even done with this cycle.

PreIVF labs: 2
Lupron injections: 22
Stim injections: 10
monitoring labs: 7
trigger shots: 2
IV: 2 (missed the first time)
betas: 5 plus the 2 that they missed the vein the first time

Thats just insane. Whats really crazy is that Boston IVF does things differently. They only have you do shots at night so you don't do 2 shots of half doses. If I was at my old clinic this number would be up around 84. I don't even do projesterone oil shots like a lot of IVFers.

Is this nightmare going to end?

Beta today was 81.3 or was it 83.1? whatever. It went up from 68 in 5 days. What does this all mean? I have to go back in 3 days for another beta. Why? Why not wait a full week? Is there ANY chance this could actually turn out good?

I guess its over

I went to Quincy for my next beta today. I prayed that it would be really high...at least 114 (doubled), and if not that it would be really low..like under 50. God didn't grant either of those wishes. I was so nervous all day waiting for the call. Seriously I was bordering a panic attack. My heart was racing, my stomache was flipping. It was an awful few hours. The call came around 1:30. It was Karen, the nurse I really like. I wish it wasn't because I sorta snapped at her and now I feel bad. She told me the number was 68. Grrrrrr.....! She we chatted a bit about what it could mean. She did say it would not be a viable pregnancy. Now the question is is it a M/C or a ectopic. She started to say she wants to repeat the beta on Saturday and I cut her off and said "I am NOT going to Waltham!! I will come to Quincy on either Friday or Monday." Waltham is an hour away, more if we are down at our camper in Plymouth. The local office is closed on weekends so Waltham is the only option. The way I see it there won't be a chance of good news. It may rise a bit whcih is very bad news, or it may drop which overall isn't good news either. I was told it can take 2 weeks to know what this is. So why bother driving and ruining another day? I then asked to speak to my doctor. She kinda tried to just talk to me but I insisted. She said Dr. Zimon had gone home for the day but she would leave her a note to call me tomorrow. Fine. At this point I don't think its unresonable to speak to the doctor about whats goig on. 5 minutes later the doctor called me. She is very cool, I like her a lot. She took the time to ask how Im doing. She answered my questions honestly. She even said, "Ok, so you know I don't hold hope for this pregnancy...I just want you to know that." She wasn't saying it to be a bitch...she just wants me to know exactly whats happening and I appreciate that. She did say she doesn't think its ectopic, she thinks its just an poor embryo that will soon stop multiplying and miscarry. She also said I could have lost a twin with all of that bleeding I had last week. I told her I'm afraid to even touch the 2 frozen embryos we have. She understood and she agreed to discuss testing me for clotting disorders. Not that I even knw a thing about them but I have read a lot of people having them and miscarrying because of it. I figure we should rule it out.
I got off the phone and wasn't devestated. I was frustrated! I now accepted it was over. Dh seemed really sad. I sat on the couch and quin moved over next to me and put his head on my lap. Does this kid know or what?! My dog is acting all wierd around me too. He won't come near me. Does he know?
I called my mom and filled her in on teh latest. She then starts saying that odd things happen and you just never know. She urged me not to do anything like drink or lift just in case this works out. She told me how when pregnant with my sister 26 yrs ago her blood tests were negative. They never could explain it. They thought she had a pituitary tumor because her hormones were out of whack. She finally had a confirmed pregnancy only 7 weeks before deliverng my slightly premature sister. So now I have this feeling of false hope. I hate false hope.
My symptoms are getting stronger too. I had an episode of nausia mid day. I suddenly felt starving even though I had eaten already. My sense of smell is strong, my boobs hurt and zing, and I had heart burn tonight. This sucks. I just want this all to be done...

drum roll please

57! 57? 57. Well WTF does this mean? Thursdays beta was 46.7, Fridays was 41, and Sundays 57. What is going on?!! Did I lose a twin and this slow rising beta is the other one still hanging on? If so I love you little one...stay with me. If not, is it ectopic? Is that dangerous?! Wouldn't I be in more pain?
Im not sure if I should be happy or sad. I do know Im nervous and frustrated. I don't go back until Wednesday for my next beta. This will be a big day...lol. Its almost comical at this point. Almost...

OK...more waiting

So the cramping bleeding started on Wednesday and ended Saturday afternoon. It ended up being like a normal AF. The cramps were pretty uncomfortable. Im going this morning for my third beta. I have to drive all the way to waltham to Boston IVF's main office since its the weekend. Last night i asked Matt to give me directions, since I planned to go alone. He said he would go with me. Good, I think he should. I think he is more upset about this loss than I am. Don't get me wrong, I am of course devestated but he just seems really down.
Yesterday we were busy, which helps. We had stayed at the campground so we spent the morning at the pond and then headed out for a mystery ride. We found a little church festival with free stuff-bouncy, face painting, hotdogs, snowcones etc. score!! Although they were singing praise music, and forgive me, but I am not at a point that I want to be hearing praise right now. As we were driving away what song comes on the damn radio but Stand by Rascal Flatts. I posted about that previously is this blog. I go a bit teary but held it together since I was with my family. If anything it brought on more anger...I am tired of getting back in the ring!!
We went down to Onset and got fried dough and drove along the water then headed back home. I took a short nap because I was feeling that fternoon exhaustion again. My right boob also had the zapping feeling all day. Cruel symptoms. Matt suggested a date night so my parents babysat while we went with my sister to an Irish pub. Of course we sat next to a couple with a newborn, in the same infant carrier that we have. And of course there was a pregnant waitress who kept walking by. So today is the big day. I keep saying that! This cycle has been a whirlwind. I just need this beta to be either way up ro way down. I just need to know. That small dip last time wasn't enough to close the door. It wasn't enouogh to let me order a drink at the pub last night lol. I still had/have that 10% glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe...

I'm Tired

I'm tired of waiting. Tired of being sad. Tired of being angry. Tired of getting my hopes up. Tired of not getting my hopes up. Just fucking tired. For like 6 years now my life has been driven by TTC. From the day we started our first IVF cycle in December 2004 it has been hanging over my head, weighing me down. We were so fortunate to have had success with our first cycle. I knew even then that having only one embryo actually result in a birth was pretty amazing. What I didn't know then was just HOW amazing. Quin truly is our miracle and each cycle we fail, or fails us, it makes me realize more and more just how blessed we are to have him. This 6th cycle was different. I had hope...that was my first mistake. I let my guard down. We transferred 2 perfect 8 cells and I had this sense of cockiness. Like, "of course this will work". I was nervous of twins...that was my big worry. Once I got that BFP I got a bit more nervous. I knew a lot could go wrong in early pregnancy...I'd been down that cruel route before. Matt and I joked about twins...I think all of our joking was just masking both of our fears of miscarriage. I got my BFP on Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday we were at the pond all day and I was cramping. Enough to make me nervous. I went back to the camper to take a rest. I hoped if I drank some water and napped the cramps would relax. They didn't. By 4pm they were really uncomfortable and when I went to the bathroom I saw blood when I wiped. My heart sank. I knew it was over. For some reason I didn't get hysterical. I didn't cry. I just felt numb. I sat and watched my family at dinner. Watched my miracle child be his typical pain in the ass at dinner. I was so sad to dissapoint Matt. I felt like I fucked up. I know it was nothing I did. I know this...but I still felt responsible. It took me about 20 minutes to even tell him.
We came home and I spent the evening online reading about miscarrying one twin while maintaining the other. I started getting a little bit of hope. The cramps and bleeding continued. Matt went to work, I went to bed. The next morning I went to Quincy for my first beta. Matt too the kids back to the campground and I stayed home. I felt like shit. Crampy and uncomfortable. The nurse called with a beta of 46.7 which she said was on the low end of average. She said we should be "cautiously opptimistic". I went back and forth between opptimistic and convinced it was done. My hope was that maybe I had only lost one. Not that that was a happy thought. Thats another thing thats unsettling. When I had my first miscarriage I was of course devestated that I was not pregnant but I was also devestated that my baby had dies...a baby had died. I went through 2 different mourning...mourning a pregnancy and mourning the loss of a child. This time was different. I was mourning the loss of a pregnancy. Thats it. I felt no connection to the child(ren) and that makes me so sad. Has this whole process hardened me so much that I had become that cold? Or was it just that I had guarded myself and didn't allow myself to get attached from the beginning? Im not sure but it has really been on my mind the past 2 days. I admit it has made this miscarriage significantly easier to cope with. Last time I was really haunted by the thought of my lost child, and where his/her soul ended up. This time it hasn't really even been a thought...and thats fucked up! How can a mother not be in mourning for the loss of her child?!
Anyways, the nurse said she wanted to see me back in 3 days, all the way in waltham, for my second beta. I begged for Saturday but no go. Since I am impatient I decided friday morning i would go to my pcp walk in clinic and ask for a beta, which I did. I lied to the NP and said I had done an unmonitored femara cycle. She called back at 10am with my results: 41. So it had falled in 24 hours. Done. Over. I told Matt. As I posted on my "board" several women responded that it could still be a lost twin and not to lose hope. I hate false hope. I tell Matt and he gets frustrated. He is almost acting like he is angry with me. I again can't help but feel like I let him down. He is just sorta distant...again. I mention how I am still planning to go to waltham Sunday, get it over with. He causually asked, "Do I have to go? I'm sick of driving." Really? Really?!
I spend the rest of the day online, reading my cysters respnses, some offering hop, most offering condolenses. Im gratefull for both. There is like a 10% glimmer of hope left in me. Like, what if it was a lost twin and I am still pregnant with one?! How amazing! But then that other 90% ells me its done, over, the cramps and the bleeding are too much for a tiny embryo to withstood.
So...I am starting to really get sad. Its taken me 2 days, but Im there. Im sad, and angry. Angry with God. Again. Im also feeling extra close to Quin. I just want to hold him all day. I almost woke him up and brought him into my bed last night.
We have 2 frozen embryos. I have never been able to say that before. I am scared to touch them...literally. I feel like I have destroyed 3 perfect 8 cell embryos in the past so why should next time be any different. I also have another fresh cycle approved by insurance. That is a very daunting task to even think of at this point. I know it will NOT be done next summer. I refuse to ruin another summer being tied up in IVF. But, thats getting ahead of ourselves. Honestly I don't know if Matt will even do it again. I know we'll do the FET, maybe in the fall.
I just want TTC to be done, over, behind us. Our life has been on hold for 6 years now. I want Quin to have a sibling so bad. I want to experience pregnancy and newborn days one more time. Thats it, just once more and I will be able to put this behind us. I need this weight off my shoulders. My marriage needs this weight off of it also.

Yup...I'm Pregnant!

I said today would be the day that I should know for sure if I was pregnant. I am 11 days past retrieval which is the same day i got both of BFP's for my other pregnancies. Last night I started getting nervous because I was poas like crazy and nothing. Well, one dollar tree had something but could have been evap line. So my plan was to not pee during the night and use my fmu on my last hpt, which happened to be a FRER. Well, DH got up at 3 to pee and woke me...so then I had to go. Then I woke up at 5:30 with the squirts (which I often get right before AF shows). I was wide awake until 6:30 and was convincing myself that my upset stomache wasn't a bad sign. I went back to sleep until 10:30 when I jumped out of bed to poas. I actually watched the second line start to appear. I brought it into the playroom under natural light. Yup, sure enough there was a very faint line that appeared quickly. I didn't freak, I just smiled and thanked God. Im not sure why I didn't get more excited. I think deep down I just really had high hopes for this cycle. I think I would have been shocked if I wasn't pregnant with such a great cycle. So I take my stick and walk into the kitchen where Matt sees the it and asked, "How long?" I thought for a second of some creative way to tell him. I could have had Quin tell him, but I don't want him to know until after the first trimester. So I just causually said, "Well, it can take up to 10 minutes but there's already a second line." So he takes a look and says "Well its really faint." Thats about it. No big excitement from either of us. I guess thats what a previous M/C will do to you. We are both very happy but so guarded.

Today is 10 dp retrieval and still BFN with FRER. I said I wouldn't get dissapointed yet because its still early...but I lied. Im feeling pretty down today thinking this cycle didn't work. My other 2 pregnancies I didn't get a BFP until 11 dpr so I don't know why Im feeling hopeless. Today is the 4th of July, which means we spend the day with Matt's family which is always a challenge for me anyways. Today is supposed to be wicked hot and humid...as it always is for the 4th. I just hope I can behave and let Matt enjoy the day.

Today is 9 days since retrieval (equivalent to 9dpo)and BFN. I am not in the least dissapointed in that since I know it is too early to get a bfp. I tested yesterday also to be sure the trigger shot is out of my system. Tomorrow is the 4th of July and I plan to poas again. Maybe it will be positive. Again, it will be too early to get dissapointed. Monday is my day. That will be 11dpr which is the same day I got my BFP's with my other 2 pregnancies. I WILL be dissapointed if still BFN then.
So far I have had some promising symptoms. I will talk in terms of days past retrieval just to keep it simple.
7dpr: late at night I felt a few sharp twists on my lower right
8dpr: late at ight I started getting a chewing sensation in that same location. It felt like a little mouse biting my from inside. Dreams are getting bizzarre, and keeping me awake. Sense of smell might be a bit stronger.