Back in the saddle...er, no pun intended.

We have officially given up on any procedures to try to get pregnant. That doesn't mean I don't still think "what if" or wonder if "just one more time" would actually answer our prayers. We haven't been very active in our attempts of trying naturally. I guess there is nothing natural about a nonexistant period. This fall I decided we weren't getting any younger, and I really needed to do more than just nothing. So I convinced Matt to start taking fertilaid. I wanted him to have a few months of it before I did a Femara cycle. I ordered the Femara and tossed in in the cabinet withe the plan to do a cycle after the holidays. Around the holidays I learned that rather than taking 3 a day as directed, he was just taking 1 because he isn't "good at remembering to take night pills". To say I was pissed was an understatement! How fucking stupid can you be?! I wanted to shout. I was just completed annoyed and disgusted. Seriously, it's not that hard to swallow pills a couple times a day...and why waste them by taking a fraction of the directed dose. They aren't cheap! This was NOT a good point in our married. A few weeks followed of tense feelings. I was just so tired of fighting this fight. He claimed he wanted a second child, but yet a simple act of taking pills was too much for him to handle.

The next chapter can now begin

My IF journey is OVER!! Its been 6 years of doctors, tests, labs, meds, procedures, and tears. Im sad, angry, and anxious but also relieved. I got a very clearly BFN this morning, no hint of a line on a FRER. Im the equivalent of 11dpo. Im supposed to go for a beta tomorrow, but Im going to put it off. Maybe I'll go over the weekend, no sense in running around before work and starting my day off in a craze just to confirm bad news.
I need to cleanse my heart mind and home. My attic is full of baby stuff that needs to be sold. We can now go forward with buying a new camper and redoing the playroom into Quin's new bedroom. No need to save the nursery. I can even book a vacation for next year in advance! Imagine! We can enroll Quin in private school because we don't have to worry about the tuition for a second child. I can go back to work full time soon because next year Quin will be in school and theres no need for me to be home. I also need to accept that my family is complete...thats going to be the hard part. Matt is OK with it, but I'm not there yet. But, I need to focus on that now. I'll probably always long for a baby, I just hope I can get to a point where I don't feel guilt for Quin being an only. I want to get to a point where a day goes by that I don't think/wish/pray/beg that I get pregnant.

Things that make you go "Huh?"

My other 3 pregnancies I felt a biting pain around 6 or 7 dpo which I assume was implantation. I describe it as a little mouse biting me inside. I haven't felt that this time. I was telling Matt that yesterday morning...Quin was no where around us when we had this convo. Last night as I was buckling him into his car seat he randomly says "Who cares about mice!" just being silly I guess. I was like , "Huh? What did you say?" DH and I were just staring at each other laughing. Then Quin says, "You're allergic to mice!!" Ha! I think he's right!!! Now...my kid is known to be random, and he does know I have a fear of rodents...but this convo was oddly coincidental.

I tested today BFN. Im only the equivalent of 8dpo so too early I know. I will test everyday between now and friday. I won't be disappointed until Wednesday. That will be 11dpo which is the same day I got my other 3 BFP's. Friday is my beta...well, if I get a positive. If not I won't bother going till the following Tuesday which is my day off. I'm not feeling hopeful at all. Still no mice bites but I did have a slight twisty feeling cramp in my lower right side that lasted about 5 minutes..maybe thats a sign?

Sugarland "Stand Back Up"

Go ahead and take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
I'm laid out on the floor, but I've been here before,
I may stumble, yeah I might fall,
Only human aren't we all?
I might lose my way, but hear me when i say,

I will stand back up,
Youll know just the moment when ive have enough,
Sometimes im afraid, and i dont feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,

I've been beaten up and bruised,
I've been kicked right off my shoes,
Been down on my knees more times than youd believe,
When the darkness tries to get me,
Theres a light that just wont let me,
It might take my pride, and my tears may fill my eyes,
But I'll stand back up,

I've weathered all these stroms,
But i just turn them into wind, so i can fly,
What dont kill you makes you stronger,
When I take my last breath,
Thats when I'll just give up,

So, go ahead to take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
You might win this round but you cant keep me down,

'Cause I'll stand back up,
And you'll know just the moment when ive had enough,
Sometimes im afraid and I dont feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,

Youll know just the moment when ive had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid and I dont feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up.

Will its done...er, I mean, Well its done

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I feel like a load has been lifted. Our fertility journey is over for good. We had our embryo transfer today and will know in about 10 or 11 days if it was a success. Either way I am happy to say we are done with this long drawn out chapter of IF. We arrived at the center 45 minutes early so I checked to see if they could squeeze me in for an accupuncture session. They said sure. I waited and waited and my anxiety was rising and rising. Finally she appologized and brought me in. It was such a relaxing session. I honestly felt relaxed leaving there. I never felt relaxed after a session with that crazy Asian I used to go to. Im not sure if it was placebo effect or whatever, but I felt elated going into the Surgi area. A doctor I had never met came over and wasn't very friendly. She said we would transfer one embryo, the other did not survive. The one remaining also lost cells going form 8 to 5. I felt a bit of a blow...I asked some questions and found out thats not uncommon and not reason to feel defeated. OK...still feeling happy I changed into a gown and Matt dressed in scrubs. We walked to the OR. I was almost manic I felt so happy. Very strange. I remember thinking "This is the last time I will be back here ever." I savored the moment lol. The nurse was very nice and she guided me up onto the table. Once I was in position Ms. Friendly doctor came over and prepped me. She wasn't chatty or gentle. Matt watched the embryologist load the catheter. We watched on the ultra sound screen as the embryo was released in my uterous. As soon as it entered I noticed the radio. Sade "By your side" came on at the exact moment the embryo was released. I love that song. The doctor wasn't even friendly as we left. No "good luck" or "Nice Vag"...nothing. She is the first Boston IVF staff I have encountered who wasn't personable. Oh well...lets pray she did her job well. I got changed and headed back to the acupuncture area where I had my second session. It was also relaxing and I wished this clinic was closer to my house. I would probably come back if it was. I was/am feeling very at peace. I am trying to have positive thoughts because as the accupuncturist reminded me "thoughts are energy". I was positive energy running through me. We started the drive home and planned to stop for lunch...I wanted soup. To warm my uterous lol. We got off the highway at the next exit and found a panera bread. Perfect! No parking...fail. We drove on and saw a Papa Ginos so Matt pulled in. Let me remind you we are an hour from home, have never been here before. As we are standing in line to order Matt says, "Is that Will? Thats Will..his nametag even says Will!" Will is an old ex boyfriend that I dated from 8th-10th grade. Matt has always hated him because he felt Will stole me from him. Will was a really nice kid, and probably had/has no idea he has been the butt of many jokes between Matt and I. So anyways we are both cracking up laughing. Here, an hour from home, today of all days is Will. Serving us pizza. Matt is bright red trying not to laugh. Of course Will takes our order and instead of pretending he doesn't know me he is very nice and does some small talk. I felt really bad because he probably saw us laughing. We grab a table and continue laughing. Matt just thinks its so funny that Will is a pizza boy. We get our slices and they are huge...so of course I have to comment that Will knows I like em big! I think Matt felt better that Will was no longer the blond haired blue eyed pretty boy he used to be.
Ok...that was a long story but it was just so funny. I came home and took a nap. I have been eating/drinking warm things all day. Its going to be a long 10 or 11 days of course but at this moment i am happy and hopeful.

FET trials and tribulations

So this FET was carefully planned. We were going to Disney Dec 10-17 so I had to plan accordingly. I even spoke to the RE about skipping BCP's so avoidn having AF while in Disney. It all worked out fine. I started the estrogen patch and pills before the trip. The monday we returned we were scheduled to go to the office to sign consent to thaw with the notary there. Our appointment was at 4pm so at 2:50 we left in the snow. There wasn't more than an inch of snow but traffic was horrible. It was the first snow of the season so maybe thats why. We drove for 45 minutes and only got 1/3 of the way there. I knew we wouldn't make it by 4:00 so we turned around and came home before getting any further in the traffic mess. This was after having my parents come over to babysit. I spoke to the nurse and she said I could go to any notary and bring the consent with me the following Monday when I came in for monitoring. So we went to the local Fed Ex store and paid $5 for the man behind the counter to notorize our embryo thaw. Kinda embarrassing but at this point in our IF journey we are sorta numb to it all lol. So that was fiasco #1. Fast forward to Christmas when they start talking about a major blizzard...no, not just a snow storm or a noreaster...an actual blizzard. It was due to hit us Sunday into Monday. Monday being the day I need to return for monitoring at 8:45am. I was a nervous wreck all weekend worrying that I wouldn't be able to get there. Its not an easy ride on a good day let alone in a blizzard!! Sunday we got slammed with snow, at midnight we lost power. We woke up Monday morning and still had no power. The house was freezing! I decided I wouldn't even bother trying to get to Quincy. I would have to go the following day and the FET would just be moved back a day. Around 7:15AM I decided the roads didn't looks so bad, we were bored and cold anyways so maybe we should at least try to go. We bundled Quin up and cleared off the car and headed out. The roads weren't too bad and there was no traffic so we made it in record time. i was actually 35 minutes early! US and labs were done without issue. Ok so fiasco #2 was handled. A few hours later the nurse calls and speaks to Matt. My lining is too thin. FET will not be happening on Thursday as planned. Now they want me back for monitoring on Friday. Oh, but wait...Friday is a holiday so the sattelite is closed. Now we'll have to go all the way to f-in Waltham for a 5 minute lab/US appointment! The FET is now planned for Monday...you know, the day Matt and I go back to work. The day I have 2 IEP meeting scheduled that I am chairing. Yup...the worst possible day. oh, and on top of all that we also didn't get the addendum to the consent notorized. Maybe...just maybe, thats because no one told me there was an addendum?! So now we have to go back to Fed Ex and have the man notorize yet another personal paper. Not sure whether to laugh or cry at this point. On top of all of this I really don't have much hope. I just pray that the embryos survive the thaw.

I feel like my heart has been wretched out. A few nights ago I came into the kitchen to find Quin standing in the outside doorway yelling. At first I thought he was calling to his little friend across the street. Then I heard what he was saying. "Hey God bring Mama a new baby!!". This was totally wierd and random. I don't talk to him about babies. When I asked him why he was doing that he said "God lives up in the sky so I had to open the door so he could hear me. You need a baby." I just sorta laughed it off. Well, tonight he and dh are playing on the floor. He randomly says "Mama's gunna get a new baby." DH ask why. Quin's response was so matter of fact "Because I asked God to bring her one."
Im really hoping the kid knows more that I do. Our frozen embryo transfer is scheduled for January. It would have been sooner but I want to do a Disney trip-which we have planned for December. I always had this feeling that my kids would be 5 years apart. Quin will be 5 in March so that would work.

just waiting

I got the results of my most recent workup. There was nothing genetically wrong with either DH or I. I don't have any clotting disorders, everything was fine. The RE even said that really this is good news, although it doesn't leave us any answers or solutions. I was sorta hoping they would find something so we could "do" something about it. Im almost to the point of feeling OK about not having another. I am not 100% there yet but I am thankful I am at least moving in that direction. I am definately ready for my life not to be on hold. Im looking forward to doing our FET in January. Of course a pregnancy would be beyond thrilling, even just to finally be done and move on will be nice. We are still not planning to use our last fresh cycle. I am shocked that I was able to decide this on my own. I never would have thought I would be ready to give up when I still had an insurance covered chance. Im still struggling with the ethics of it all. I killed 6 embryos because they weren't good enough to freeze. That choice wasn't made by me...but I still caused it. I don't think I could risk that result again.

move on...later

I don't think I have actually truly thought about my last cycle and all it brought. I was of course sad, frustrated, scared etc with everything that happened but I haven't truly mourned the loss of my baby or babies. I definately built up a wall so I wouldn't get attached. Im not sure if thats normal after having a miscarriage. Im scared to try again. The plan was to start a frozen embryo cycle in October. Somehow I managed to get Matt to agree to a Disney vacation. Since we are going in December we won't be doing a FET until January. Maybe this is my subconscious way of avoiding another disaster. The FET will absolutely be our last chance at TTC with IVF. This is the very first cycle I have had to say that. Insurance will cover one more but I know in my heart we need to just be done. I am glad I have finally come to that decision on my own and it wasn't dictated by insurance or Matt's insistence. Since this is our last cycle I think I am more nervous than ever to do it. If it doesn't work Im not sure how I will handle it. Although I am OK with no more IVF, I am not yet at peace with accepting I will not have any more kids. I just pray that I come to peace with that if thats how things pan out. My beta is at zero now so I guess I can say that the cycle is finally over. I go for labs tomorrow (OMG again?!) to test for clotting disorders and genetic stuff. I kinda hope they find a clotting disorder because then there is something we can do to fix the situation.

keep on truckin'

My last entry was a few weeks ago. Not much has happened since then. My beta on Wednesday September 1st was 3. The nurse wants me to come back in a week to have what should be my last beta level labs. I think thats sorta dumb, obviously its done ya know? But, whatever...I will do what I'm told despite common sense. I asked if it was now considered negative since its under 5, she told me it is only negative when it's under zero now. Great.
I had my phone consult with Dr. Zimon today. It was very brief. She has agreed, at my insistence, to do clotting disorder testing, and automimmune testing, and carryo type testing. Its all just blood work and probably won't tell us anything but I feel like I need to know before I suject my remaining embryos to my destructive self lol. I guess that means I should get back on my synthroid. I stopped taking everything when I took the Metho shot. I went through a "Fuck it why bother" period like I do after every failed cycle.
Quin has suddenly taken an interest in babies and pregancy. Im just waiting for the moment when he asks for a sibling. When I was his age I used to pray every night for a baby brother. My mom had a suprise pregnancy and gave me a sister...good enough!
We went up to New Hampshire to Santa's Village and Story Land (little kid amusement parks) and I was sad to watch all of the siblings riding the rides together. Im sad that Quin may never have that and thats not fair to him.
I am thinking about what my consolation prize will be. After my other failed cycles I tend to plan something big like a vacation or home addition. The plan was to do a cruise this winter if my 6th cycle was a bust. I didn't expect to have embryos left for a frozen transfer. So now I can't book anything, I have to wait and see if thats successful. Im actually thinking about not doing a family cruise and just doing a shorter trip with just DH and I. Since Quin was born we have only been away together for one night. I think it would be good for us. I love vacationing with Quin because its so fun to watch him experience new things but it would be nice to not have kid responsibility and get to do adult stuff (like dinner without nuggets). I am thinking about 4 days in Vegas in November. I might actually put off the FET until after the trip. I have to convince DH that its OK to spend money (that we don't have) on something this selfish and frivolous.

The end is near...in a good way

My last post was when my beta fell, but not enough. I refused the reccomended second metho shot. That was on a Friday. Monday's labs finally took a big dive so no second shot was needed afterall. I am so glad I listened to my intuition. I have had several labs done since then and the level is falling nicely. Tuesday it was 99, Friday before was 235. So I am hoping in is at 0 soon.
Someone asked why I haven't gone for a vaginal US. I had several in the beginning, at my insistence. With a beta so low you can't see anything. Once the beta is over 1000 you can see, but my number never got that high. I will never know if this truly was ectopic or not.

This has consumed my whole summer. We are planning an October transfer or our last 2frozen embryos. I still have to talk to the RE about what that process entails. I just hope its not a lot of monitoring ahead of time!

OMG this is never going to end!!

The whole reason we chose to do an IVF cycle in the summer was because we just can't miss work. We are both teachers so we don't have vacation days we can take whenever we want. We instead choose to tie up our summer with a cycle. I never would have guessed that the cycle we started in June would infact probably affect the following school year.
My beta today went down 10%. They need it to go down 15%. The nurse wanted me to come in to get a second methotrexate shot. I explained why I was hesitant: 1) It has come down so maybe it will continue to fall. 2)Chances are it didn't rupture when it was higher so it won't now.
The nurse explained how a rupture can be life threatening blah blah blah. yes, I am aware of that. I then informed her of how sick the shot made me and she said she has never heard of anyone having any side effects from the shot. I should have suggested she check out google! My experience was not that uncommon. she said if I didn't get the shot today or tomorrow then I would need to go to Waltham (because its a saturday) to get labs done tomorrow and the oncall RE would discuss the situation with me. Anyways, I said I would discuss it with my husband and call her back. We (I) decided I was willing to wait until Monday. I would gave it a few days to hopefully go down on its own. I really don't want to get another shot. That stuff is wretched. I am feeling confident that my number is heading in the right direction now. I have felt crampy all day. So now I just pray that I am right. If Monday's number is still high then I will have to give in and get it. That will mean a trip from Plymouth to Quincy (45 minutes each way) once for labs, and then again in the afternoon for the shot. Great. So glad I get to just enjoy my summer.

Hopefully an end is in sight

I was scheduled to get the shot Thursday. I had an appointment at 11am. The night before I was having a panic attack. I was going back and forth with the decision. So Thursday morning I called and canceled the appointment, and asked for a second opinion. I needed a referal to maternal fetal medicine. I spent the whole day trying to get in to see an OB, but no one would see me. The first appointment I could get with MFM was Monday at 2pm. I was scared to go the entire weekend given that my beta was still rising.
I ended up getting the methotrexate shot on Friday. I had gone that morning for a beta, then we spent the day down at the campground. Karen the nurse called me that afternoon and said my beta had increased from 310 on Monday to 584 Friday. So in 4 days it hadn't doubled. I was defeated. I was also scared shitless. I felt like a ticking time bomb. Every little pain or sensation made me wonde if I was about to rupture (if this was in fact ectopic). Karen again informed me that it was again medical advice if I still chose to not have the shot. I told her that no, I would wait till Monday when i got my second opinion. I hung up the phone and really thought. The number didn't double...so that was bad in terms of viability. But, it rose significantly which is bad in terms of ectopic. So bad all around. Matt and talked about it and I begged him to just tell me what to do. Of course he was just as lost as I was. I finally decided I needed to end this. I decided I would drive up to Quincy and get the shot. I felt at peace with the decision. I think I just needed to hear that the number did NOT double. It made the decision easier. I drove 45 minutes up to Quincy, dropped my draws and got 2 shots in my butt. Then I drove back to Plymouth. Done, no big deal.
That night matt left for work and the kids and I stayed at the camper. Around 9pm I got so sick. I felt like I had the flu. I couldn't top peeing, I ached, I was nautious, chills etc. It was pretty scary how sick I got. I was/am a bit pissed that the nurse/doctor didn't mention this as a side effect. Fortunately I had done enough of my own research to know this was normal. It was a rough night and I really wished Matt was there. The next day I felt shitty still, but not as bad.
I went for another beta Tuesday and that result was 700 and something. 760 maybe? I forget. Anyways it had risen but I was told that it is normal for a rise, but by this coming Frday they want a 15% decrease. Im praying it does that. I really don't want another shot. That stuff is no joke!!

The shot is scheduled

I had an appointment yesterday with Dr. Z. We discussed my options...which was basically when to get the shot. At that point we didn't have my beta back yet. We only had Thursdays and Fridays which were 166 and 174. I was praying that my number would come down and no shot was needed. I explained that I was struggling ethically about this and she respected that. We agreed we would wait and see what Mondays labs showed. If they were down no shot, if they stayed the same I would repeat labs on Thursday. Well, I got the call that they are now 310. The worst news possible IMO. Now I am back to wondering if there is some miracle that its just a slow to start embryo. My RE says there is 0% chance this is a viable pregnancy. My OB's nurse says the same thing. Do I trust the professionals?
The plan right now is for me to come in Thursday morning for the shot. The nurse already ordered it for me. I have an appointment scheduled.

I heard this song on the radio tonight and thought maybe it had some meaning

Upside Down by Jack Johnson

Who's to say
What's impossible
Well they forgot
This world keeps spinning
And with each new day
I can feel a change in everything
And as the surface breaks reflections fade
But in some ways they remain the same
And as my mind begins to spread its wings
There's no stopping curiosity

I want to turn the whole thing upside down
I'll find the things they say just can't be found
I'll share this love I find with everyone
We'll sing and dance to Mother Nature's songs
I don't want this feeling to go away

Who's to say
I can't do everything
Well I can try
And as I roll along I begin to find
Things aren't always just what they seem

I want to turn the whole thing upside down
I'll find the things they say just can't be found
I'll share this love I find with everyone
We'll sing and dance to Mother Nature's songs
This world keeps spinning and there's no time to waste
Well it all keeps spinning spinning round and round and

Upside down
Who's to say what's impossible and can't be found
I don't want this feeling to go away

Please don't go away
Please don't go away
Please don't go away
Is this how it's supposed to be
Is this how it's supposed to be

This just keeps getting worse!!!!

I went for a beta again today. We spent the day (supposed to be there for a few days)at the campground. I was swimming with Quin when the nurse called and Matt spoke to her. My number was 81.3 Monday, and 166 today, 3 days later. Doubled. She told Matt that the Dr. wanted me to go for labs today so that I can come in tomorrow for the shot of methotrexate (sp?) to abort the fetus because it may be ectopic. Matt told her that I would not be taking any shot without having an US first. She told him that we wouldn't be abe to see anything because my numbers are so low. Again, Matt said no shot without an US. So she scheduled an US for tomorrow morning at 9am, followed by a dr. appointment at 10am. She then called back to ask for my height and weight so she could order the shot of metho for tomorrow. I answered the phone this time and basically asked her why for 3 weeks we farted around with this and now its a big hurry up do the shot tomorrow? Was it because my number doubled? Her response, "No, its because it continues to rise." OK...so again, there doesn't seem to be a change. Its been rising for 3 weeks. Why is it now, today, a rush to get this shot? Why would the shot be ordered and given without US? I have NO symptoms of ectopic. it could be molar, blighted ovum, a crappy embryo not doing what it should...or maybe, just maybe a viable pregnancy. And, why is the doctor not calling me herself with this plan of action. This is complete bullshit. I told her I want a second opinion before any shot. I really liked my RE up until this adventure and I feel like tomorrow is going to get heated and in the end we won't ave a good working relationship. I know this could be ectopic, Im not doubting that possibility. Im just not convinced it for sure is. Methotrexate is a serious medication. I don't want to make this decision based on assumptions. I feel like they think Im being silly. They keep reiterating that this is not a viable pregnancy. OK...but that doesn't mean it is ectopic either. Im so scared right now. I feel like I have to make this decision without knowledge. I can't do an US myself. What if the tech isn't good, or doesn't care enough to look hard enough? Do I trust her? Do I trust my doctor? What if I don't take the sho and I rupture? I could be really sick, or even die. What if this is a viable pregnancy and I kill my baby?

Lets count the needles shall we?

Im not even going to count all of the accupuncture needles. Im only including lab work, IV's, and injections.
Total needles pokes: 52. 52 fricken stabs for nothing!
And, the best part is Im not even done with this cycle.

PreIVF labs: 2
Lupron injections: 22
Stim injections: 10
monitoring labs: 7
trigger shots: 2
IV: 2 (missed the first time)
betas: 5 plus the 2 that they missed the vein the first time

Thats just insane. Whats really crazy is that Boston IVF does things differently. They only have you do shots at night so you don't do 2 shots of half doses. If I was at my old clinic this number would be up around 84. I don't even do projesterone oil shots like a lot of IVFers.

Is this nightmare going to end?

Beta today was 81.3 or was it 83.1? whatever. It went up from 68 in 5 days. What does this all mean? I have to go back in 3 days for another beta. Why? Why not wait a full week? Is there ANY chance this could actually turn out good?

I guess its over

I went to Quincy for my next beta today. I prayed that it would be really high...at least 114 (doubled), and if not that it would be really low..like under 50. God didn't grant either of those wishes. I was so nervous all day waiting for the call. Seriously I was bordering a panic attack. My heart was racing, my stomache was flipping. It was an awful few hours. The call came around 1:30. It was Karen, the nurse I really like. I wish it wasn't because I sorta snapped at her and now I feel bad. She told me the number was 68. Grrrrrr.....! She we chatted a bit about what it could mean. She did say it would not be a viable pregnancy. Now the question is is it a M/C or a ectopic. She started to say she wants to repeat the beta on Saturday and I cut her off and said "I am NOT going to Waltham!! I will come to Quincy on either Friday or Monday." Waltham is an hour away, more if we are down at our camper in Plymouth. The local office is closed on weekends so Waltham is the only option. The way I see it there won't be a chance of good news. It may rise a bit whcih is very bad news, or it may drop which overall isn't good news either. I was told it can take 2 weeks to know what this is. So why bother driving and ruining another day? I then asked to speak to my doctor. She kinda tried to just talk to me but I insisted. She said Dr. Zimon had gone home for the day but she would leave her a note to call me tomorrow. Fine. At this point I don't think its unresonable to speak to the doctor about whats goig on. 5 minutes later the doctor called me. She is very cool, I like her a lot. She took the time to ask how Im doing. She answered my questions honestly. She even said, "Ok, so you know I don't hold hope for this pregnancy...I just want you to know that." She wasn't saying it to be a bitch...she just wants me to know exactly whats happening and I appreciate that. She did say she doesn't think its ectopic, she thinks its just an poor embryo that will soon stop multiplying and miscarry. She also said I could have lost a twin with all of that bleeding I had last week. I told her I'm afraid to even touch the 2 frozen embryos we have. She understood and she agreed to discuss testing me for clotting disorders. Not that I even knw a thing about them but I have read a lot of people having them and miscarrying because of it. I figure we should rule it out.
I got off the phone and wasn't devestated. I was frustrated! I now accepted it was over. Dh seemed really sad. I sat on the couch and quin moved over next to me and put his head on my lap. Does this kid know or what?! My dog is acting all wierd around me too. He won't come near me. Does he know?
I called my mom and filled her in on teh latest. She then starts saying that odd things happen and you just never know. She urged me not to do anything like drink or lift just in case this works out. She told me how when pregnant with my sister 26 yrs ago her blood tests were negative. They never could explain it. They thought she had a pituitary tumor because her hormones were out of whack. She finally had a confirmed pregnancy only 7 weeks before deliverng my slightly premature sister. So now I have this feeling of false hope. I hate false hope.
My symptoms are getting stronger too. I had an episode of nausia mid day. I suddenly felt starving even though I had eaten already. My sense of smell is strong, my boobs hurt and zing, and I had heart burn tonight. This sucks. I just want this all to be done...

drum roll please

57! 57? 57. Well WTF does this mean? Thursdays beta was 46.7, Fridays was 41, and Sundays 57. What is going on?!! Did I lose a twin and this slow rising beta is the other one still hanging on? If so I love you little one...stay with me. If not, is it ectopic? Is that dangerous?! Wouldn't I be in more pain?
Im not sure if I should be happy or sad. I do know Im nervous and frustrated. I don't go back until Wednesday for my next beta. This will be a big day...lol. Its almost comical at this point. Almost...