2 perfect 8 cells

These are the "2 perfect 8 cell embryos" that we transferred on Sunday. They are beautiful aren't they?! We froze 2 more perfect 8 cells. More on that at another time. This is a picture of a picture so its not very good quality. These don't have any visible fragmentation and you can clearly count the 8 cells.






This picture was taken just moments before Matt and I left for our tranfer appointment. It's (hopefully) the last pic of just the 3 of us. Jason was manning the camera so Quin and Matt weren't really ready...or maybe Matt is just nervous as hell! At that point all we knew was 2 days before we had 10 fertilized embryos. We had no idea how many would be waiting for us when we arrived. As it turned out we had more than we bargained for. 4 perfect 8 cells (doctors words).

Fert report just in

OMG...thats the phrase of the day in this house! We waited all day to get the call, but it was worth it. Around 2:30 Matt said his bet was 7 were fertilized. Of course he was joking. I laughed and said, "Please...I am hoping for 2. 2 would be great news, 1 would be good news". I never in a million years would have guessed that 10 would have fertilized! yes, 10. Holy shit! 13 eggs retrieved and all 13 were mature. our other cycles looked like this:

1) 7 eggs 5 mature 1 fertilized (Quin)
2) 14 eggs 10 mature 1 fertilized (miscarriage)
3) 11 eggs 8 mature 1 poor quality fertilized BFN
4) 20 eggs 9 mature 1 egg sorta fertilized but acted wierd BFN
5) 15 eggs 6 mature 0 fertilized
6) 13 eggs 13 mature as of now 10 fertilized

So, this cycle yielded very different results overall. So, either accupuncture worked or the longer slower cycle made all the difference.
Now we have to sit and wait 2 more days to find out what the final fert outcome is. They don't call tomorrow to update which sucks. I really think they should! So betwen now and Sunday a lot can happn to my precious embryos. When we go in Sunday we won't know how many we have or what the quality is until right before transfer. The plan is to transfer 2 unless quality is very poor and then we would consider more. Augh...thats scary too. I can handle the idea of twins but triplets or more I don't think my body could do that. Twins would be scary too. I just keep saying two is better than none, but one is better than two. I pray this cycle is successful because now everyone's hopes are up. My mom is being wierd. I called with the great results and she just said , "Oh...10. Is that good?" WTF she knows our previous results. She knows 10 is amazing for us. She then said, "Im not getting my hopes up. I can't handle the dissapointment again." She doesn't mean to be Debbie Downer but thats how she gets with this stuff. The only real joy in her life is Quin...its what keeps her going through her illness. To be able to give her another reason to keep on truckin' would be great. Matt is walking around in a stupor. I don't know how he'll handle it if its a bust. I guess I need to just keep positivethoughts for the next few days. If your reading keep our little embryos, all 10!, in your prayers.

retrieval is done...now the wait begins

On Tuesday my E2 was 2954 and I had about 13 or so measurable follicles so I triggered with 2 ovidril shots that night. I had retrieval yesterday (Thursday). I was happy that my own doctor, Dr. Zimon was on. I don't think she is the best doctor there, but I like her personality. Once in the OR I climbed up on teh table and the very nice anesthesia doctor got my IV gong on the first try. She gave me a little cocktail. Can I just say I really enjoy this part...seriously. Its a little trippy and I like it. lol. No, Im not even kidding at all. This trip lasted longer than usual..maybe 2 minutes before I fell asleep...or until I stopped remembering. Whichever. Also this was the first time I woke up in the OR. I woke up just as they were getting ready to have me move to the stretcher. I rested a bit in the recovery area and felt pretty good. My upper thighs and hips hurt a bit from being in those crazy stirrups. Matt came in and we saw dr. Zimon. She said they got 13 eggs relatively easily. She was happy, we were happy. She said she feels really positive about it. She also said she doesn't usually say that but sometimes she just gets a vibe. OK..I'll take it! So, now we wait. They will call this afternoon with the fertilzation report. This is the moment of truth. Last time none fertilized so the reality is that this could be just as bad. Im not sure how I will react. Last time it took me a few days to get really upset/angry and then it took me a really long time to get over it. I say that I am prepared for the worst...but really who is? i just hope Matt is ok. He doesn't communicate and that just makes things worse. Monday is his birthday...what a shitty way to spend the day if we get bad news. Im hoping Dr. Zimon herself calls with great news. By great I mean like 2 embryos. Good news would be one. Some people get dissapointed to hear they only have 5 or 6. Please! waiting...

So close...

Im on day 9 of follistim. I had to go to Waltham for labs/US saturday and sundy because the local office isn't open on weekends. I have no idea what my E2 level has been since the nurse leaving the messages hasn't mentioned that. Im thinking it might be pretty high though. I am exhausted and have taken 2 hour naps the past 2 days. I also am craving fruit and vegetables that are water based. I have no craving for proteins which is what I should be focusing on now. I have 6 follies on each ovary that are measurable. Last cycle I had just about the same amount and same size and they had me trigger. This time they want me to stim another day and come back for my monitoring. Im hoping that means more of these little guys will be mature at retrieval. Overall this has been a fairly relaxing cycle. It helps that school is out.
Quin, who obviously has no idea of what we are going through, has been mentioning twins a lot. He commented that I will have lots of babies in my belly. I asked if I had 2 babies would he help me take care of them because I could only take care of one at a time. His answer was, "well, you can just tell the baby to wait a minute." LMAO. He is so funny because he is so serious. I would love to see him as a big brother, I think he would be so sweet.
I have been researching my consolation prize. After each failed cycle I took on a new project to keep me focused. Usually planning either a trip or buying a new car lol. This time its both. We are getting a new mini van wether this is a success or not. If its not a success we will do a big trip sometime in the fall/winter. I am thinking either a caribbean cruise or Disney. This way I have something to be excited about!

just updating

Its Thurday and getting close to dooms day. I started Follistim 250 Sunday night. I went for my first labs/US Wednesday and the nurse called to say that my E2 was 584 and to drop my stim to 150. I have multiple smaller follies on each ovary with a 12 on my left and a 14 on my right...or vice versa...whatever. I have to go back friday for more labs/us. Im starting to feel a little fat. lol ok, wait, let me clarify that. Im starting to feel fatter. My pants are snug...snugger.
Yesterday I went to accupuncture. I waited about 10 minutes then she brought me to a room and left. I layed on the table and fell asleep twice waiting for her to come back. She NEVER even put in any needles. I thought she went to get something and would be right back. No, 30 minutes later, and 2 quick nod off and I got up and walked out. DONE. This is after last time that I waited like 45 minutes in the waiting room and then only layed with needles for 20 minutes...and still charged $65! SO this time I saved my money and went home. Accupuncture isn't for me! I feel like I wasted a lot of money though...

Its almost real

The past few days have been IVF driven. Today is Friday. Sunday I took my last BCP and was told to call on day one, or Thursday if no AF by then. Thursday came and no AF so I called Karen the nurse (she is awesome!). I left her a message and when I got home from work I had a returned message from her saying I should come in Friday morning at 7:35 for lab. Damn! There was no way I could be at work on time and I was supposed to go to a training. I called my principal and explained the situation. She was fine, but I still felt anxious about missing the training. I feel like lately I'm not on her top ten list...not really sure why I feel that way. So then I arranged for my mom to watch Quin at 6:45am because Matt was working the overnight. I started feeling overwhelmed. Looking back at my previous cycles' schedules I was guessing I would be going for labs again on Monday. Great, its my day off but its also Quin's preschool graduation. I HAD to be there. There was no way I could miss it. By tha evening i was feeling shitty about the whole situation. I decided I was not going for labs Friday morning, I would just lie and tell Karen AF started. I spend the rent of the night worrying if that was going to screw up my cycle. Well, low and behold I woke up and felt like AF was here. It wasn't but i knew it would be any minute. I was right, by 6:45 it was here. I was able to go to work on time, not have to lie to the nurse, and my anxiety went down. I got my weekend instructions. I am going to lower my lupron to 5 units starting tonight, and then starting tomorrow night take 225 of follistim each night. The best part is I don't have labs Monday!! I don't have to go back until Wednesday...my last day of school. I'll have to be late but oh well...just something else to feel anxious about!!

maybe a new motto is needed

If what doesn't kill us is making us stronger,
Were gonna last longer,
Than the greatest wall in China,
Or that rabbit with the drum.

If theres one thing that i've learned,
While waitin for my turn,
Is that in each life some rain falls,
But you also get some sun,

And we'll make out better than ok,
Hear what i say?
Yeah any day

So you had a bad day...

So I had my very first, of many, "bad" days of IVF. I was just in a funk all day, on edge. Quin was being particularly grouchy and fresh. I ended up losing it on him and he spent the afternoon in his room. He took a nap which is very unlike him. I don't know if its the BCP's I'm now on, or the fact that I am no longer taking celexa, but I was a bear. Then I went to visit Colleen's friend and her 2 week old son. I didn't get to hold him, which was probably a good thing. I was fighting tears just looking at him. I was sad that I would probably not get that experience again. He was so tiny and cute and I just want the chance to do that again...and this time I WILL enjoy it. Im not feeling hopeful about this IVF. Reality is that it probably won't work. Then the analyzer in me says well, I was hopeful for my other cycles that didn't work so maybe my lack of confidence will mean this will work?! I don't know. I spent the afternoon/evening holding back tears. Feeling sorry for what I DON'T have and what I have to go through. I need to just stop and be grateful for all I do have. I have a healthy kid...really isn't that the best thing there is. I really hope my mood is better today, I hate when I lose it on Quin and when I feel depressed. Thats no way to live. Next week, 6 days actually, I start my lupron shots. That stuff makes me a bitch! I just really pray that Matt is tolerant of my moods and doesn't shut me out and make me feel worse. My focus this week is to make sure Quin doesn't have any gluten to see if we can get his mood stabilized. On top of all this Jason's med change has made his bipolar more evident and his absence seizures haven't improved.

I hate accupuncture

I am taking one for the team. I hate accupuncture. I have been to my little Asian friend 4 times so far, once each week, and I have yet to feel relaxed. The hard wooden exam table that I lay on for one hour is so uncomfortable that my hips and lower back feel like they are cracking in half. I don't typically sleep on my back, so there is no way Im sleeping on a hard table, on my back, with needles sticking out of me. The needles in my wrists hurt...she said those are the ones that go to the heart. The ones on the top/side of my feet hurt also. Surprisingly the ones in my ears and forehead don't bother me. After every session Dr. Chen comes back into the room, flips on the light and asks if I rested. NO! I spend an hour waiting for her to come back to end my torture. She asked me if I could start going twice a week, I told her I can't afford it. Its $65 a session. She looked at me like I was a loser and asked how much I could afford. blunt! I told her that once a week was a stretch. I think if I actually enjoyed it and felt relaxation from it I could scrape up enough for 2x a week...but once a week is plenty for me! I would love to quit, but then I totally threw away $302 that I already spent on the sessions and chinese herbs. Then, say I do quit and this IVF is unsuccessful I will have this "what if.." crap in my head. So, Im sticking it out once a week until transfer. Basically about 5 or 6 more sessions. Yup, Im taking one for the team...again.

Songs that make me think of IVF

So I am one of those people who analyze song lyrics. I always wonder what the singer/writer meant by what they wrote. During one of my many cycles rascal Flatts Stand was on the radio a lot. One day driving home, close to tears, from yet another RE appointment it came on and I thought, "OMG...this is my IVF song!" So now every time I hear it I picture that day, driving down RT. 18 from my old RE's office (she was a bitch...she sounded like the nanny!)and how sad I was. Dh and I have been through a lot, and when it comes to making a baby we are fighters. We haven't given up, we've gotten back in the ring again and again...even after getting knocked out instead of knocked up!!! I do believe that as much as this journey has sucked, it has made us stronger and better for it. I think it has made us appreciate our son more than typical parents do. We KNOW he is a miracle. We also know he is a stubborn SOB and thats why his embryo prevailed when all others failed. ;)

Lyrics:

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless, like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright, you'll be alright

?Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend ?til you break
?Cause it's all you can take

On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand

Life's like a novel with the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon with only one way down
Take what you're given before it's gone
And start holdin' on, keep holdin' on

?Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend ?til you break
?Cause it's all you can take

On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, yeah, then you stand

Every time you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place, yeah

?Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend ?til you break
?Cause it's all you can take

Yeah, then you stand
Yeah, baby
Woo hoo, woo hoo
Woo hoo, woo hoo
Then you stand, yeah yeah

The Dixie Chicks have also been through IVF. This song speaks for itself. I can't say I feel guilty towards my husband since he has male factor and that means we have equal blame in our inability to procreate. Thats been a double edged sword. I think its made our journey blameless and for that I am grateful, but it makes beating infertility twice as hard. However, I do feel guilty that we can't give our son a sibling.

Back when we started
We didn't know how hard it was
Living on nothing
But what the wind would bring to us
Now we've got something
I can imagine fighting for
So why is fighting all that we're good at anymore

And sometimes I don't have the energy
To prove everybody wrong
And I try my best to be strong
But you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard

It felt like a given
Something a woman's born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you

And I'd feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn't give
And could you be happy
If life wasn't how we pictured it

And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on
Cause you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
So hard

I can live for the moment
When all these clouds open up for me to see
And show me a vision
Of you and me swimming peacefully

Last night you told me
That you can't remember
How to feel free

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy, easy

It's so hard


Then this song makes me think of my son. Sarah McLachlan's Ordinary Miracle. Quin is our world and I pray to God that he has a sibling because otherwise he is going to be such a spoiled brat!

It’s not that usual when everything is beautiful
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

The sky knows when its time to snow
You don’t need to teach a seed to grow
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

Life is like a gift they say
Wrapped up for you everyday
Open up and find a way
To give some of your own

Isn’t it remarkable?
Like every time a raindrop falls
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

Birds in winter have their fling
And always make it home by spring
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

When you wake up everyday
Please don’t throw your dreams away
Hold them close to your heart
Cause we are all a part
Of the ordinary miracle

Ordinary miracle
Do you want to see a miracle?

Its seems so exceptional
Things just work out after all
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

The sun comes up and shines so bright
It disappears again at night
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

It’s just another ordinary miracle today

How many prics can a girl take?

So this cycle I am going to keep count of how many needles I get. Anyone wanna place bets that it will be over 50? So far its been 3. I had day3 labs done. There is this phlebotomist (sp?) at the lab near my house who is just nasty. She is so grouchy and she looks like Pat from teh old Saturday night Lives. Her name on her lab coat is M.J. OK...so maybe she isn't even a she...could be a guy. maybe? Anyways, shim hates shims job and makes you feel like you are there just to annoy her..him? whatever. So after my first lab draw 3 days later the RE decided she forgot to add some things to the lab slip...so back to the lab I go. This time I got this wicked nice lady. She was chatty and friendly and really went out of her way to do a good job. So I show her the vein in my arm that is usually trustworthy. After digging around a bit that vein let me down. Its way too early in a cycle for that vein to be shot already. Usually its not until at least a dozen pokes that it is useless. I guess all these years of abuse could be to blame. So the nice lady used my other arm and now I have two ugly bruises to show for my battle wounds. So that brings my count up to 3 already.

First timer

This is my very first attempt at blogging. I guess I will give my history for those who don't know it. I have done 5 IVF cycles so far. The breakdown of those are:
1) 1 perfect 8 cell embryo that is now a 4 year old wild-child named Quinten
2) 1 perfect 8 cell embryo that I misscarried at 5 weeks 5 days.
3) 1 6 cell embryo with fragmentation=negative
4) 1 wierd embryo that nobody knew what to call=negative
5) no embryos at all. we suck! lol

We are about to begin our 6th, and probably last, cycle. We are so fortunate that here in MA our insurance covers 6 cycles. Each cycle would have cost us about $15K. We probably wouldn't have even done a cycle.

Since this is our last cycle I want to do things a little differently. Today I went to my first acupuncture appointment. The dr. was an old Asian lady who was very blunt. She asked where "all this weigh came from?" hmmm, I eat alot? Then she asked me if I want sex. Ummm, not with you? I didn't know that was offered in an acupuncture office!!! So she got right down to business...with needles. She stuck a bunch in my ears, a few in my forehead, some in my feet, knees, belly, and wrists. The ones in my wrist sent a wierd zapping shock down to my finger. Then she put a heat lamp on my stomach and left me to "relax" in the room for about 45 minutes. I didn't relax at all. I couldn't think of anything besides the needles sticking out of me. I was uncomfortable laying on an exam table, trying not to move. Then I spent time wondering how I was going to convince my husband that he should give acupuncture a try...what could it hurt right? I drove home feeling hopeful. Not hopeful that my husband would agree to this turture, er...therapy...but that this IVF was going to be a success. i have alway had this theory that my kids would be 5 yrs apart. I have followed my mothers time line of events with everything. Got married at the same age, had first kid at the same age, and if this IVf works, had our second kid at the same age. This baby will be born within a week of Quin's fifth birthday. His retrieval was at the end of June, and this retrieval will probably be beginning of July. They could even have the same birthday. Oh, thats another wierd thing. Quin was born March 17, 2006. Saint Patrick's Day. My little leprechaun. My second pregnancy due date was also March 17, 2008. If this next baby has that same date...well, thats just freaky!!!
So anyways, as Im driving home I feel a needle sticking out of my neck. I just pull it out. I guess Dr. chen forgot it. Its very thin and tiny. When I get home I casually mention to DH about him going...yeah, he wasn't so rceptive! Even after I explained to him that the needles would NOT be placd in his balls he still didn't seem too enthused. Oh...I found another needle sticking out of my belly. I wonder if Dr. Chen does this to other patients?