I'm Tired

I'm tired of waiting. Tired of being sad. Tired of being angry. Tired of getting my hopes up. Tired of not getting my hopes up. Just fucking tired. For like 6 years now my life has been driven by TTC. From the day we started our first IVF cycle in December 2004 it has been hanging over my head, weighing me down. We were so fortunate to have had success with our first cycle. I knew even then that having only one embryo actually result in a birth was pretty amazing. What I didn't know then was just HOW amazing. Quin truly is our miracle and each cycle we fail, or fails us, it makes me realize more and more just how blessed we are to have him. This 6th cycle was different. I had hope...that was my first mistake. I let my guard down. We transferred 2 perfect 8 cells and I had this sense of cockiness. Like, "of course this will work". I was nervous of twins...that was my big worry. Once I got that BFP I got a bit more nervous. I knew a lot could go wrong in early pregnancy...I'd been down that cruel route before. Matt and I joked about twins...I think all of our joking was just masking both of our fears of miscarriage. I got my BFP on Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday we were at the pond all day and I was cramping. Enough to make me nervous. I went back to the camper to take a rest. I hoped if I drank some water and napped the cramps would relax. They didn't. By 4pm they were really uncomfortable and when I went to the bathroom I saw blood when I wiped. My heart sank. I knew it was over. For some reason I didn't get hysterical. I didn't cry. I just felt numb. I sat and watched my family at dinner. Watched my miracle child be his typical pain in the ass at dinner. I was so sad to dissapoint Matt. I felt like I fucked up. I know it was nothing I did. I know this...but I still felt responsible. It took me about 20 minutes to even tell him.
We came home and I spent the evening online reading about miscarrying one twin while maintaining the other. I started getting a little bit of hope. The cramps and bleeding continued. Matt went to work, I went to bed. The next morning I went to Quincy for my first beta. Matt too the kids back to the campground and I stayed home. I felt like shit. Crampy and uncomfortable. The nurse called with a beta of 46.7 which she said was on the low end of average. She said we should be "cautiously opptimistic". I went back and forth between opptimistic and convinced it was done. My hope was that maybe I had only lost one. Not that that was a happy thought. Thats another thing thats unsettling. When I had my first miscarriage I was of course devestated that I was not pregnant but I was also devestated that my baby had dies...a baby had died. I went through 2 different mourning...mourning a pregnancy and mourning the loss of a child. This time was different. I was mourning the loss of a pregnancy. Thats it. I felt no connection to the child(ren) and that makes me so sad. Has this whole process hardened me so much that I had become that cold? Or was it just that I had guarded myself and didn't allow myself to get attached from the beginning? Im not sure but it has really been on my mind the past 2 days. I admit it has made this miscarriage significantly easier to cope with. Last time I was really haunted by the thought of my lost child, and where his/her soul ended up. This time it hasn't really even been a thought...and thats fucked up! How can a mother not be in mourning for the loss of her child?!
Anyways, the nurse said she wanted to see me back in 3 days, all the way in waltham, for my second beta. I begged for Saturday but no go. Since I am impatient I decided friday morning i would go to my pcp walk in clinic and ask for a beta, which I did. I lied to the NP and said I had done an unmonitored femara cycle. She called back at 10am with my results: 41. So it had falled in 24 hours. Done. Over. I told Matt. As I posted on my "board" several women responded that it could still be a lost twin and not to lose hope. I hate false hope. I tell Matt and he gets frustrated. He is almost acting like he is angry with me. I again can't help but feel like I let him down. He is just sorta distant...again. I mention how I am still planning to go to waltham Sunday, get it over with. He causually asked, "Do I have to go? I'm sick of driving." Really? Really?!
I spend the rest of the day online, reading my cysters respnses, some offering hop, most offering condolenses. Im gratefull for both. There is like a 10% glimmer of hope left in me. Like, what if it was a lost twin and I am still pregnant with one?! How amazing! But then that other 90% ells me its done, over, the cramps and the bleeding are too much for a tiny embryo to withstood.
So...I am starting to really get sad. Its taken me 2 days, but Im there. Im sad, and angry. Angry with God. Again. Im also feeling extra close to Quin. I just want to hold him all day. I almost woke him up and brought him into my bed last night.
We have 2 frozen embryos. I have never been able to say that before. I am scared to touch them...literally. I feel like I have destroyed 3 perfect 8 cell embryos in the past so why should next time be any different. I also have another fresh cycle approved by insurance. That is a very daunting task to even think of at this point. I know it will NOT be done next summer. I refuse to ruin another summer being tied up in IVF. But, thats getting ahead of ourselves. Honestly I don't know if Matt will even do it again. I know we'll do the FET, maybe in the fall.
I just want TTC to be done, over, behind us. Our life has been on hold for 6 years now. I want Quin to have a sibling so bad. I want to experience pregnancy and newborn days one more time. Thats it, just once more and I will be able to put this behind us. I need this weight off my shoulders. My marriage needs this weight off of it also.