I guess its over

I went to Quincy for my next beta today. I prayed that it would be really high...at least 114 (doubled), and if not that it would be really low..like under 50. God didn't grant either of those wishes. I was so nervous all day waiting for the call. Seriously I was bordering a panic attack. My heart was racing, my stomache was flipping. It was an awful few hours. The call came around 1:30. It was Karen, the nurse I really like. I wish it wasn't because I sorta snapped at her and now I feel bad. She told me the number was 68. Grrrrrr.....! She we chatted a bit about what it could mean. She did say it would not be a viable pregnancy. Now the question is is it a M/C or a ectopic. She started to say she wants to repeat the beta on Saturday and I cut her off and said "I am NOT going to Waltham!! I will come to Quincy on either Friday or Monday." Waltham is an hour away, more if we are down at our camper in Plymouth. The local office is closed on weekends so Waltham is the only option. The way I see it there won't be a chance of good news. It may rise a bit whcih is very bad news, or it may drop which overall isn't good news either. I was told it can take 2 weeks to know what this is. So why bother driving and ruining another day? I then asked to speak to my doctor. She kinda tried to just talk to me but I insisted. She said Dr. Zimon had gone home for the day but she would leave her a note to call me tomorrow. Fine. At this point I don't think its unresonable to speak to the doctor about whats goig on. 5 minutes later the doctor called me. She is very cool, I like her a lot. She took the time to ask how Im doing. She answered my questions honestly. She even said, "Ok, so you know I don't hold hope for this pregnancy...I just want you to know that." She wasn't saying it to be a bitch...she just wants me to know exactly whats happening and I appreciate that. She did say she doesn't think its ectopic, she thinks its just an poor embryo that will soon stop multiplying and miscarry. She also said I could have lost a twin with all of that bleeding I had last week. I told her I'm afraid to even touch the 2 frozen embryos we have. She understood and she agreed to discuss testing me for clotting disorders. Not that I even knw a thing about them but I have read a lot of people having them and miscarrying because of it. I figure we should rule it out.
I got off the phone and wasn't devestated. I was frustrated! I now accepted it was over. Dh seemed really sad. I sat on the couch and quin moved over next to me and put his head on my lap. Does this kid know or what?! My dog is acting all wierd around me too. He won't come near me. Does he know?
I called my mom and filled her in on teh latest. She then starts saying that odd things happen and you just never know. She urged me not to do anything like drink or lift just in case this works out. She told me how when pregnant with my sister 26 yrs ago her blood tests were negative. They never could explain it. They thought she had a pituitary tumor because her hormones were out of whack. She finally had a confirmed pregnancy only 7 weeks before deliverng my slightly premature sister. So now I have this feeling of false hope. I hate false hope.
My symptoms are getting stronger too. I had an episode of nausia mid day. I suddenly felt starving even though I had eaten already. My sense of smell is strong, my boobs hurt and zing, and I had heart burn tonight. This sucks. I just want this all to be done...